Archive | June, 2012

Signs your Doctor Doesn’t Like You

28 Jun
-He takes a personal phone call in the middle of a prostate exam and tells you to “stay in position”
-Forgets to tell you shouldn’t go off pain killers you’ve been on for two months so you don’t end up vomiting in the bathroom the entire time you are on a first date
-Forgets to explain, just because it says you take the pills once a day, taking them all at the once might end up with you on the bathroom floor with 911 on speed-dail doing a cost-benefit analysis of paying for an ambulance, damage to the door paramedics will have to kick down to get to you, and the fact you are a cheap skate
-You wonder when the relationship went south and realize it was when you pulled out your smart phone to check the accuracy of what he was saying and informed him, “According to the National Health Institute, you are wrong”
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Watching Colorado Burn: do we have time for a rational solution?

27 Jun
I’m watching Colorado burn right now and I just called my uncle in Boulder to see if he has evacuated yet.  And, what I’m wondering right now is why doesn’t Colorado, a dry desert, not have its own fleet of cool air planes that can drop chemicals which can put out fires?  I’m pretty sure we can collect five bucks from every resident in the state to pay for them.  I’m in.  Even then, we can lease them out to other states because the great thing about planes is they can get places quickly.  That should pay for them.  I mean, we have a state national guard.  Why not have a state fire air fleet?  They can be flown by volunteers.  I’m sure there’s tons of people who know how to fly a plane in the same state which has the Air Force Academy.  If you can drop a bomb on somebody, I’m pretty sure dropping fire retardant will be a snap.    
Who wants to start lobbying the local governments to do something because the Feds have dropped the ball on this one?   

I’m Looking Forward to becoming a Cyborg

26 Jun
I’m looking forward to becoming a cyborg.  
I also get happy at the thought of humanity turning into a race of cyborgs.  I think this because being a race of cyborgs would have the potential to solve all the worlds problems in terms of health care, economics, dating, social interaction, and correct stupid behavior.  I’ll explain later.
The question is what sort of cyborg?  If movies and science fiction teach us anything, cyborgs fall into two categories: on one hand, you have the potential to become an a grotesque abomination (Darth Vader); on the other, you become a socially clueless yet lovable character (Seven from Star Trek Voyager).  I don’t want to become an evil-infested technologically nightmare.  I want to become a useful one, like Mitt Romney or Joe Biden.  So, a further description of my ideal cyborg state is needed.  I’ll start with health care.
Here’s the argument: What I would like is to have a something on my left forearm that looks a  lot like an NFL quarterback’s play calling thing.  At any time, I could check to make sure I was getting the correct amount of vitamins and if there is anything wrong with my body.  This would solve a lot of health issues if somebody could, say, look at their forearm and realize their blood pressure is rising too fast or their thyroid levels are too low.  Health care costs would plunge because, hey, when you know what is wrong with your body, you can solve the problem before it becomes an issue and not spend a lot of money on meaningless tests meant to protect the doctor from you suing them.  The cyborg would have notices that say things like, “get to the hospital right now,” “stop eating McDonalds are you trying to die, dumbass?”  or “Go to the store and pick up some vitamin D.”  
The economy would improve because inventors would start creating Apps to make us forget we live in horrible world.  I have the following ideas for these Apps.
There would be Dating and Relationship Apps.  So much of dating is based upon physical attraction rather than personality.  I’ve dated a ton of girls who are personality disordered messes and I think becoming the cyborg thing will solve this.  If two cyborgs went on a date, it would be based solely on personality, not sexual attraction.  How?  When the cyborg couples are feeling randy, plug in to each other (pun intended), and enter a virtual environment where it looks and feels like a human physical contact with several exceptions: you can make your partner look like anyone you want.  Thinking of the girl you had a crush on in college?  You can upload Cassie version 2001 and she can upload Brad Pitt version 1996.  There will be fail safe features on this so you don’t know what partner-version your significant other loaded.  I think we can all agree is a good thing.   
Other Apps I’m looking forward to is to have one where a program will control your body language and what you say when you are dealing with boring parties, in-laws, and other people you don’t like.  A preprogrammed software will prevent you from pissing people off, behaving badly, and will ideally let you go to, in my case, my virtual man-cave and watch football while I keep an eye on the program.  I think this will be a wonderful world!
Education would improve.  Just think of the ability to have a TiVo like App where you can record everything you see and replay it at will.  Late at night, students could review information and lectures.  80% of students perform better watching a lecture on a television rather than sitting in class.  Test scores will increase, more smart and creative people will work harder on problems, then good things happen.  Having this will also stop arguments because you bring up what people said and what they meant.  This creates a self-policing program for everyone where people watch what they say, you won’t argue about what was said because, well, you are on the record.  
What do you as a cyborg look like?  I’m biased on this and am willing to flexible on this issue.  Here’s why: a cyborg will not have components hidden so people don’t know you are a cyborg.  I want this for selfish reasons: I hate shopping for clothes, I hate buying clothes, and I hate cleaning clothes.  That’s a lot of hate and it isn’t good for my soul.  But, if I had a standard-issue cyborg outfit, that problem would be solved.  Think of all the time and money put back in your pocket!  
How crazy does this make me sound?
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How I got out of seeing the Vagina Monologues

22 Jun

This is how I got out of seeing the Vagina Monologues:

Former girlfriend: “I want to see the Vagina Monologues with you.”

I remembered reading about it and thought I would be the person killed if the women riot against men afterwards.  I decided to do the following.

Me: “Well, well, well…get me my top hat and cane, and call the carriage: I am going to the theater!”  

Ex Gf: “What?  This isn’t something you’d want to normally do?  It involves people and leaving your house…”  

Me: “Well, I love ventriloquism!”  

The rest of the conversation didn’t go well.  

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Signs you are Middle-Aged

21 Jun
Signs you are middle-aged:
-You get excited when your medicine comes in the mail
-You’ve pulled a hamstring having sex
-You’ve had a lengthy conversation with a friend about nose hair trimmers
-You get hit on by an annoying young girl with daddy-issues who says “You look just like my father” at a Banana Republic
-You turn to a random radio station and rock out to a bunch of songs you haven’t heard since high school; you later realize it is the oldies station
-You have an adult conversation with a young cousin and say “Where were you when that happened?” only to realize they weren’t alive when it happened
-You were a first hand witness to events now described in high school history books
-You think to yourself you’d be a kick-ass step-dad
-You sometimes think sex seems like too much work
-You get grouchy if you are kept up too late at night
-You write this list in under five minutes and stop because you no longer find it funny
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A Conversation I Wish I Never Had

20 Jun
I got a call from M. of Sub Rosa Capital last night.  M. works hard, doesn’t like her husband, once referred to her children as only being useful for spare parts (“The only good thing about my kids is that I might need a liver or a kidney one day.”), drinks heavily, will sit and masterbate at the office late at night, and is the most competent person I’ve ever met.  If she went to prison, she would be the alpha running the joint in about two days; the Warden would probably give her an office and an assistant to use so she could more efficiently organize beat-downs, drug dealing, and homicides.  And, I’m talking about a male prison.  
On the phone, we were discussing credit default swaps and how Buffet referred to them as “weapons of mass destruction” (I agree, I built some) when she nonchalantly mentions she had taken her kids and husband out to dinner, and they pissed her off so much she got up, left, and stranded them there.
Me: “How is that going to solve any problems?”  [I’m still in shock.]
M.: “It’s not.  My husband is too stupid to find his way home, but if the kids work together, they might be able to figure it out.  Rather then get married and have kids, I should have hired a gigaloo, a housekeeper, and bought a dog.”
Me: “Please tell me you are kidding and you are going back to get them.”  
M.: “Yeah, I will…after I hit the liquor store.  I haven’t had a drink since 6 am and I’m getting the shakes.  They are getting pretty bad and, since I don’t have my head-set, it’s getting hard to hold the phone and steer my Benz.  I’ll talk to you later.”
If anybody needs me, I’ll be in the shower to wash the stink off my soul.
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant

Excuse me while I panic

15 Jun
I got a phone call from a college friend this morning.  He asked me what I did when Bear Sterns collapsed.  Before I could answer, he went into the following analysis.  JP Morgan has assets of $2.3 trillion (15% of GDP).  An Internal Memo was written where the JP Morgan finance nerds estimated the company would collapse with $50 billion in loses.  This is only 2.17% of total assets.  This memo was prepared a day before Dimon–the head of JP–was called before the Senate to testify about trading losses at the firm.  This is odd because the estimated losses of about $3 billion, while large, do not warrant a CEO and head of probably the largest banks in the world to testify before Congress.  One of the questions Dimon was asked was, if JP Morgan failed, would it cost the tax payers any money.    
Why did JP Morgan prepare an estimate the day before the CEO testifies Congress?  Was this a prepared questions?
Greece is currently having a run on its banks where deposits are being withdrawn and people are stock pilling food.  The largest bail out in the history of the world is being organized to stabilize Greece.  What is JP Morgans exposure to Greece?
Why, in the name of $%*#()$ G-d, did a Senator, who overseas the regulatory agencies in charge of JP Morgan (a bank that also purchased the toxic assets of Bear Sterns), ask a question with the word “fail” in it?  
If anybody needs me, I’ll be having a panic attack on my floor.  
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