Failing at Taking Vacation

1 Jun

I have been trying to take a real vacation for the last six years, and I have always failed.  By a real vacation, I mean where I can just relax, go see sites, spend time with people I actually want to spend time with, write emails (as a hypergraphia, I actually view writing as a fun hobby [I don’t do drama; I just like trying to be funny]), I don’t want to see a computer [people are always surprised to find that I’m not semi-attached to computers and technology: I want to spend as little time as possible in front of a computer] y’know, fun stuff, that sort of thing.  Basically, I don’t want to solve any problems.  This never happens.  Something always comes up, I get a phone call, or some responsibility that I feel I have an obligation to manage finds me.  And, these aren’t always business problems: friends have problems, my family concots a crisis that needs to invovle me, or I have a minor seazure so I can’t walk and have to spend a few days hoping my hotel room has good cable and that the concierge can find me a good book.  I like to refer to this as part of the World-wide Conspiracy against me, Department of Vacation Ruining (I don’t actually believe this but I just happen to enjoy using these phrases). 


I’m not going to lie: its been a tough month.  It is almost to the point of parody and melodrama.  I’ve had to rebuild my master database so I can easily update products when inflation rears its ugly head.  I haven’t been sleeping well since my Aunt died, my cousin was convicted of several felonies (I found this out on Wednesday at 7pm, this has been going on for over a year and this is the first time that anybody bothered to tell me), my sister-in-law has come under the delusion that I am her personal valet and has started just to take things that belong to me–like my new filing cabinet–and I got slammed on my taxes. And, I’ve had to spend a lot of time dealing with fraudsters.  Plus, I had to spend a week dealing with my evil 90 year-old grandmother, who, I do have to admit, said something that she has never said to me before: “Thank you.”  She has said all the swear words to me before she said anything nice.


So, I thought that I owed it to myself to take today and the weekend off.  I was excited about this because I thrilled to  stop thinking, worrying, and pondering the happenings in Chris-land.  I was literally just starting this process when I got a phone call from one of my ex-girlfriends (“Jen M.”); she was crying and sounded drunk.  This was 8 o’clock.


Me: What’s wrong?

Jen: I got dumped today…I thought he was the one

Me: I’m really sorry, Jen, I’m sure this is for the best (my non-commital line that I think I have used once a week for the past 30 years when something like this has happened)

Jen:  He did it in the worst way too?

Me:  …Oh no

Jen:  He told me that he wasn’t physically attracted to me..

Me: That’s cruel…what a jerk

Fast forward in the conversion because I honestly do not know how we got onto this subject

Jen: Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about this because…I know this has happened to you before

Me: [I avoided thanking her for bringing up something that I wanted to forget, but I do love her and wanted to console her]

Jen: Hasn’t this happened to you [why did I tell her that this happened to me?] twice before?

Me: Actually it has happened three times…but I don’t count two others because I wasn’t seeing them.  But, I can safely saw that its hard on the ego the first time but eventually the sting goes away.

Jen: I just don’t feel sexy and that anybody would want to be with me anymore. 

Me: That feeling happened the first two times, but you get used to it…

Jen: I don’t want to get used to it..

Once again, fast forward in the conversation to another topic I’m not sure how we got on.

Jen:  When was the last time you knew somebody was attracted and wanted to be with you?

Me:  I don’t like to think about these things…

Jen: This all I can think about! <I can hear her drinking and she’s starting to slur her words>

Me:  Well, I’m pretty sure my gay stalker wanted to be with me–that was a real pain because I had to change my phone number–I mean he texted me hundreds of times and tried to follow me around for 9 months–and before that…hmm, I don’t know…[my vacation at this point is now ruined and it gets worse]

Jen: I mean, I’m not physically attracted to you and I still wanted to be with you [Me thinking: I don’t there’s any amount of therepy or alcohol to now forget this..I dated Jen M for over a year]

Jen continues: I’m going to call that $%^*)^ and give him a piece of my mind!

Me: That isn’t a good idea, Jen, nothing good can come from drunk dialing [I know this because I did this a lot my first year in college and pretty much this conversations go like this: “I’m just calling to let you know you ruined my life but I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us.”  Every guy has made this phone call; if they don’t admit it, they are lying]


It was too late; she had already hung up. 


Settling back to my book and tea I tried to relax again.


10 minutes later, Jen called back.

Jen: He didn’t pick up that %$(&() weasel so I left him a message.  [Her message went for ten minutes].

Jen gives me the gist of it and if I clean up the dialogue, it’s really doesn’t make any sense.  Jen continues this for half an hour.  Then, she started to apologize for her comments about being attracted to me.  It did not go well.

Jen: What I meant to say that I wanted to be with you but the only was for me not be intiminated by, well, my boyfriend being too good looking and that’s why we worked so well for awhile.

Me: So, the only reason we dated was because you have low-self esteem?

Jen: I’m going to call him again [she hangs up]


It is now 10 o’clock.  I go back to my  tea and book hoping…just hoping that I will get some sleep tonight.


At 12, Jen calls back.  This time it was just a speech, which, the cliff’s note version was “I really enjoyed being with you but the only way I could feel comfortable with you was if I wasn’t worried what you thought about my body.”

[she hangs up..saying something about somebody was calling].


12:15.  Jen calls again and the only reason that I’m taking her calls is because I’m just curious about where this is going.

Jen: I’m on my way to his house

Me: Please tell me your not driving…

Jen: No, I’m walking [I believe this is the first smart thing she has done since about 8:05].  I wanted to finish my drink.

Me: Jen, don’t go to his house: this is crazy ex behavior and you don’t want to go down this road…

Jen: I think he’s with that tramp Lilly [she didn’t use the word “tramp”]

Me: Jen…calm down, go home

Jen: Oh ^&*( Lilly is there)


Jen Hangs up

2:30 this morning.  Jen calls back.  My only thought was I was wondering if she needed me to go bail her out of jail or tell me about…I just realized I didn’t have any expectations at this point.

Jen:  I just finished keying their cars. 

Jen then goes onto to describe how, essentially, the cars now look like a Picasso painting.

Jen: Oh %&*^^, he’s coming out. 

I hear her running away.


5:30 this morning.  Jen calls back.

Jen:  I’m just calling to say I’m sorry and you are so sweet for listening to me…I just wanted to say I’m sorry..and the only reason I called was I wanted to say that as soon as possible and I know get up early [I haven’t been to bed]


8:40 am.  Jen calls back.

Jen (whispering): The police are at my apartment.  What should I do?

Me: Where are you?

Jen: I’m in the closet.

Me: If you don’t want to talk to them, you don’t have to talk to them, I guess.  And, the closet is a good place for you and it sounds about the best plan you’ve had for the last 12 hours.  [The closet is a reference to the fact that she told me she was attracted to some women; I don’t think she got the joke].

Jen: I got to go and be quite..


I let my mind wander for a bit and I decide to go play my violin.  I then proceded to break two strings.  Sitting down at the computer, all I could think was that Jen wasn’t this crazy when I dated her, but that was 8 years ago.  A lot can happen.  And, then I thought how I was going to catergorize this memory in my mind.


Jen calls back

9:15 am.

Jen: Chris, I’m really sorry about last night and I know I was out of line telling you this.  Have you been thinking about it?

Me:  [Our friendship depends on what I say next] No, I was actually thinking that if Jesus was a carpenter, I wonder what he charged for cabinets.  Does he do it at cost, is a market rate, or this profession a loss leader for him and he just does to promote his theology and orthopraxy. 

Jen: No, I mean, what I said about me being attracted to you…

Me: Don’t worry, Jen [I now cite one my Laws of social interaction]: I’m not attracted to me either. [The formal version of the Law is that you can’t expect someone to do something that you don’t want to do].


The World-wide Conspiracy aganst me  has won again.


Further Bulletins as Events Warrant




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