I hope this is the worst date I ever go on

1 Jun

For my first job out of college, I was working for an International Private Bank.  I spent a lot of time dealing with “intergenerational wealth,” which is code for members of the sperm of the month club.  Better known as trust funders, they were tough to deal with because they didn’t have the ability to manage their money or earn it if they lost it.  I learned a lot at the job, such as how to use offshore accounts and how to manipulate the system for your own selfish purposes.  It was a great beginning for my career and foreshadowed my slow change into becoming a sketchy human being.  But, that’s not what I want to talk about today.  I want to talk about what I hope is the worst date of my life.

There was a very cute intern still in college named Allison.  I was 22; she was 21.  I asked her out on a date.  We went out on the date.  While telling what I hoped was a funny story about my crazy relatives [it wasn’t funny], I nonchalantly asked her if she had any funny relative stories.  She responded with “My aunt killed two of my cousins and put the other one into a wheel chair.  She’s serving life in prison and I’ll never see her again.”

While the room began to stink of crazy, I stared at her and wondered to myself, how do I recover from this?  What do you say to something like that?  And, we’ve already ordered: I can’t just get up and leave.  I’m going to see her tomorrow at work.  She then went into a story about her drug-dealing brother.  Apparently, all of her siblings where upper-middle class criminals pretending they were gangsters while knowing Mommy and Daddy would bail them out if they got into trouble.  Her drug dealing brother turned into a gangster, though, and eventually pulled a gun on someone.  Almost killing the person, he was going to get out of prison in several weeks.  She was looking forward to visiting him.

Work was awkward until her internship ended.

If this isn’t the worst date of my life, I’m going to be pissed.

Further Bulletins as Events Warrant


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