I want a Lucky President

1 Jun



I want the luckiest person alive to be President.  


So, when I vote, I try to determine who the luckiest candidate is on the ballot and that’s the person I cast my vote for.  My hope is that the President’s good luck will rube off on the rest of the country and good things will start to happen.  When I tell people I vote on luck, their either think I’m kidding or crazier than usual.  I vote way this because I think the job of the President of the United States is impossible: most issues people care and about and vote on are decided by the Supreme Court, there are over 100 steps to getting a piece of legislation passed, the President is the head of the largest bureaucracy in the world populated by workers who are lazy, selfish weasels, and the coworkers–elected and appointed–are insane.  There is nobody on the planet that is qualified for this position. 


But, I have to have a reason to vote for someone.  And, my reasoning is that I’m looking for a lucky person.


Let’s look at my two favorite Presidents of my lifetime: Reagen and Clinton.  Both men were extremely lucky and it seemed to create a net-luck butterfly effect where the country and world as a whole improved.  I think this because, as soon as they left office, the economy collapsed and suddenly we got involved in wars.  I’m looking for a lucky candidate who creates a net-luck benefit for the country and the world.


The question of determining which candidate is the luckiest is challenging, though.  I have a theory on luck and, when it comes down to it, there are several different types of luck.  The first type is the person whose luck only benefits them.  This is the guy or girl who will walk out the door and come back two days later with a couple thousand dollars and a great story how they ended up partying and having adventures I’d give up red meat to experience.  One of my college roommates was like this.  At first, I didn’t believe his stories.  Then, I saw pictures on his camera that showed him randomly hooking up with a model, winning a few grand on a scratch ticket, and flying on a private jet to Las Vegas with someone he just met that night.  He was the sort of guy, after a group of us concluded he wasn’t lying, always asked him why he didn’t give us a call so we could join him.  The problem with his luck is that he was only lucky when he was by himself.  In a group of people, our poor luck canceled out his good luck and his good fortune didn’t rub off on us.  This is not the sort of person I want as President because the poor luck of the nation and world will neutralize his good fortune.  So, there is no net-luck benefit.


The second sort of luck is the person who bad things happen to, but always manages to get out of the situation.  John McCain is an example of this.  He just seemed to be the guy who didn’t die despite everything he went through.  Once again, I really don’t see that as what I’m looking for and, frankly speaking, this is the sort of guy who, if President, will probably take office and either an alien invasion occurs or a chunk of the moon falls off and lands on Texas ten minutes into his first term.  He’ll get out of it, but most of us wont.  Here is no net-luck benefit here because a truly lucky President wouldn’t have these things happen.  


Then there is the person who has average or poor luck his entire life, then, randomly, hits a home run.  People who win the lottery and some successful businessmen are like this and many of them run into the same problem: they can’t reduplicate their previous success.  They don’t understand why and this creates a problem.  There is no net-luck benefit for him or the country.  


Another lucky person is someone who is lucky all their life, but something bad happens to them that changes their life.  This person will work towards a goal and achieves it only to find out it ruins their life.  A hockey player who, against all odds, makes it to the NHL, then gets paralyzed on the first play of the game (this happened) is an example. He now has to spend the rest of his life changing the remote control with his tongue and wondering if he has soiled his diaper or not.  College athletes who sports destroy their body are other examples and a lot of Rhode Scholars complain in private that winning that award ruined their lives because they felt like they peeked at 21.  Think of all the childhood stars whose fame and fortune destroyed them (Lindsey Lohan and Brittany Spears comes to mind).  No net-luck benefit because they create problems for other people they don’t want to deal with.


And, finally, the lucky-savant.  This is the sort of person whose mere presence seems to improve the situation.  They walk into a room and problems either are solved, go away, or don’t seem like problems anymore.  If anything bad happens to them, they complain about it while the people who listen to them think to themselves “Wow, this sounds like every Tuesday I’ve had for the past several decades.”  They do things normal people would get in trouble for, yet, nobody seems to care if they do it.  Warren Buffet comes to mind on this.  Just by showing up and doing nothing, Warren appears to improve businesses and everybody lives he is involved in.  And, nobody seems to care that he has a wife and a mistress who are, in fact, friends.  Nobody talks about this because, well, he’s Warren Buffet.  


Let’s examine the candidates to see how luck they are.  I think there are three possibilities: Mitt Romney, Obama, and, the dark horse, Hillary Clinton.


Mitt Romney was born into wealth in a good, loving family, appears to be smart, made millions of dollars investing and managing companies, and managed to win an election as a Republican in a heavily Democratic state.  He seems to have a nice wife.  How’s he unlucky?  He was born into wealth and made millions of dollars running companies; he passed Romney-care, which is a disaster, and his personality is such that I think if you pressed the back of his neck, his head would open up revealing that he is, in fact, a robot made by the Mormon church.  I mean, I’ve been following his career for years and nobody has ever come forward saying what a great, charismatic guy he is and they’d take a bullet for him.  Warren Buffer probably has millions of people who’d jump in front of a gunman for him, and, then, thank Warren later for being able to do that.  The person would probably think getting shot and protecting Warren would be the best thing that ever happened to them, no matter what amount of damage is done.


Obama has a compelling story, is smart, and has charisma where his supporters exhibit cult-like following.  He’s lucky in that he got elected as the first black President and has risen through the political ranks very quickly.  Everybody who has met him, that I know of, find him charming, personable, and, even if they disagree with him, like him.  People liked him so much that he got elected President in 2008.  How’s he unlucky?  He got elected for President in 2008.  Also, I look in the eyes of his wife and, for some reason, I see the crazy eyes.  Some of the pictures of her remind me of a tiger getting ready to bounce.  


The dark horse, Hillary Clinton, is on here because I can see her trying to get the party’s nomination if things go south for Obama.  We all know her story, but what’s the luckiest thing that ever happened to her?  She married Bill Clinton.  The worst?  She married Bill Clinton who has made it sport finding new and interesting ways to humiliate her in front of the entire world.  She’s lucky in that it appears she doesn’t care.  She’s unlucky in that nobody seemed to feel sorry for her (I told people I felt sorry for her when Bill did this stuff and even the most left-wing people are know stare at me and say something like, “Wow, I haven’t thought about that” and then move on with their day; at some points, I think I might be the only person alive who feels sympathy for her), she lost the primary that everybody thought she’d get years in advance, and is working in a job where I think I have a better chance of getting the President on the phone than she does.  Deep down, I’m kinda routing for her, not for any political reasons, I just want to start a betting pool about when Bill gets into another sex scandal if she becomes President.  I really miss listening to the self-important news casters (who deliver the news like they are coming back from a tete-a-tete with the burning bush) come up with new and interesting ways to describe BJs.  Plus, I liked hearing parents complain about how they had to explain what oral sex is and why the dress was stained to very young children.  This was fun.  I miss that.


I haven’t made my mind up yet.  I usually do that on my way to vote so I’m curious to find out who everybody thinks is the luckiest President.


So, how is my analysis wrong and who do you think is the luckiest candidate?


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