LIst of Questions

1 Jun

Dear All Good People:

 

Here are a list of questions I have always wondered about.  This will be filed as Exhibit ADE that I am in fact an idiot because I spend a lot of time wondering about these things.

 

When someone goes into a coma, and then wakes up, do they feel really refreshed?  Is this the equivalent of having the best night of sleep of all time?  Also, what percentage of former coma patients worry about not waking up when they go to sleep at night?  Do they need therapy to get over this fear?  I don’t know.

 

Why do we consider drinking by yourself to be bad?  I mean, give me a guy who’s sitting at home alone drinking and I present somebody  who isn’t causing any problems.  I don’t understand why this opinion has come to dominate the world.

 

How do people start a career in NASCAR?  I don’t follow it, but I’ve always wondered how someone who is 21 or 22 years old get access to a car that goes over 100 miles an hour…and, become good enough at it corporate giants like Toyota will pay for them to advertise on their outfits.  Did I miss this class on my High School curriculuem choices?

 

I always wonder who was/is the most intelligent and resourceful person of all time.  Who is the person who had the greatest impact.  People usually cite religious figures, but I think the smartest person of all time is the guy who came up with wine and alcohol.  I recently read that the oldest windery ever discovered was found and is roughly from 6,000 BC: the techniques to create wine didn’t change for thousands of years.  Everything improved…except this process.  This person was a genius and if he or she were alive today, they could probably  disprove gravity.  And, think about it: Jesus turned water into wine, but if that guy or gal wasn’t around to make wine, Jesus probably couldn’t market his miracles as effectively…I share these thoughts and I wonder why I don’t get invited to more parties.

 

The most populous countires on the planet are China at 1.3 Billion and India at 1.17 Billion.  I know this and yet whenever I watch the Olympics, I always wonder why these countries don’t win all the medals.  I mean, is there honestly nobody in these countries that can sprint, run, throw a jauvalin, swim, lift weights, do the salom, or jump?  Statistically speaking, they should win…why doesn’t this happen?

 

And, BTW, I also don’t understand why the most populous country’s on the planet haven’t produced more inventions.  For instance, with China, all I can think about them is that invented fireworks, make bad products, and probably were the first people who came up with totalitarinsim.  As for India, I actually like what they invented more, which comes to mind is the Kama Sutra, Tantric Sex, and Yoga…these are actually all related, but I’ll overlook that since I love them all.  And, my questions is, since I think that, does that make me a bad person or simply an uniformed dim-witted blond man.

 

I think a lot about words and language (I really liked philosophy of language) and I have to wonder: many ethnic groups have what we would refer to as derogatory bad words to describe them.  Black people have the n-word, Italians have guido, the French are the frogs, Middle-easterners are camel-n*****, Indians (with a dot not a feather) are desi, the English are donkeys, and Americans are Yankees, yet, I would really like to have a derogatory word that describes chubby-blond people, like me.  Not because I want to be insulted, but if you notice one thing is that all of these words can be used as a greeting if you are a member of this ethnicity.  For instance, black people greet other black people with the n-word all the time, people of the Jewish persuasion can make comments like “What is this, a Jew who doesn’t care about money” yet if a non-Jewish person says the same thing, they would get in trouble.  What I want is a word that is the bad word that everybody on the planet who is not blond and chubby uses as an insult for my people…the blond and chubby people.  But, in polite society, the blond and chubby could use this to greet each other.  It would be nice to go the store and run into my blond and chubby brothers and sisters and we could great each other with this word: “My [bad word to be approved later], what is up!”  And then we high five and talk about IRAs.  I would really like this.

 

If someone is the undisputed champion, what is all the fighting about?

 

Why do commercials mention statements like “100% ground beef” when, ground beef is ground beef.  If isn’t 100% ground beef, then it isn’t ground beef.  And this disturbes me: does this meant that stores that don’t say this are feeding me something other than ground beef?  I worry about this.

 

Every year, on tax day, I get sick…I’m not making this up.  On Sunday, I was as fit as fiddle and master of my domain, this morning, I woke up, throw up, got a sore back, then a massive headache, and ended up curling up in front of my TV…it wasn’t 11 yet.  This has happened to me for years in a row.  And, the other question I have is why have I been audited every year since college?  I use the same technigue everytime I have to meet with what I am sure is a bunch of crack employees at the IRS is that I only say two things: “My address, my name, and that ‘I do not recall the facts of that period'”.  I am still in dispute with the IRS over my 2008 and 2009 taxes.  Arguing with them is sort of a hobby of mine, at this point.

 

I also wonder why my body appears to have fallen apart when I turned 29.  Before 29, a temple didn’t only describe a building but it described my body: I could go for days without sleep, play sports at all times, work like a maniac, and party like a lunetic.  Then, all of a sudden, nothing worked or went right.  I mean, right now, if I ate nothing but laxatives and drink Green tea for days, my body would still find a way to turn the laxatives into calories and I would still find a way to gain weight.

 

Another that drives me crazy is that my body doesn’t change–I don’t lose weight— even if I don’t eat or cut my calories in half.  I could work out or sit on the coach drinking heavily and nothing would change.  Hundreds of years ago, even today, for most of the world’s population, this would be a good thing.  I mean, I would be the guy in a famine, where I would be surronded by people who are skin and bone skeletons, and I would have the same body.  I wouldn’t have lost weight, I’d probably feed half my portion of food to my dog, and march off complaining how I want abs that I can grate cheese on.

 

What is the definitional differences among red necks, hicks, and white trash?  It bothers me that I may not be using these words in the correct usage, and I would like a clear definite description of each of them so that I know that when, for instance, a cousin has moved from being a red neck to being white trash, I can accuratly describe what happened to the rest of my family. 

 

I wonder why I can honestly say that I floss so that my dentist will be proud of me.

 

When I drive by a school, I look at the students and wonder how people with such thin limbs can support their body and walk, move around, run, jump, and eat their body weight in sugar, trans fat, and carbos and still lose weight.

 

Why do I think that, as a sports fan, I view being a fan of team as bascially an abusive relationship.  You have great hopes for them at the begining, then bad things start to happen, promises go unfulfilled, you get berated by the players when they are out drinking, yet you still like them, and the season ends with them essentially leaving you after they have been eliminated from competition, and then they run off to someplace nice to have fun and meet new people.  And sometimes, the best players leave because somebody else offers them a better deal (much like a man divorcing the first wife for a trophy wife).  It’s heartbreaking.  This isn’t fair.

 

Why is it always Nazi week on the history channel?

 

I do certain things better drunk than I do sober.  These things have no relation to each other and I can’t figure out why.  I can bench press more when I’m drunk, I’m better at customer service when I’m drunk, I can clean and file better when I’m drunk, I can do data entry better, and people generally tell me that they like me more when I’m drunk.  Why am I good at these things, I wish I knew the answer to.

 

 

This is the most pressing question.  For the last two years, somebody has been putting my picture and profile onto every single disturbing single website on the planet.  I now have profiles at alt., adultfriendfinder, okcupid, latinosingles, blacksingles, senior singles, asiansingles, cuager life, cuager corner, STD singles (I don’t have an STD for the record), older men for younger womwn, younger woman for rich men, every gay website on the planet (I’m actually a lesbian on one of them; I know this because whoever is doing this to me forwards me butch lesbians from the website who are sending me emails thinking I’m the bitch lesbian), and a dozen or so others.  Now, this was funny 18 months ago, but–I never thought I say this–I’m sick of getting pictures of naked people in my email.  I mean, if one in five relationships start online, is anybody wearing any clothes on these websites, and, by relationships, do they mean people hiring hookers?  I just want to know what I did for a persont to persist in pranking me for a two fiscal years.

 

Any ideas?

 

Further Bulletins as Events Warrant

 

C.

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