Memo To God

1 Jun

Attn: God

cc: The good people

From: Christopher T. Belitz

Re: Me getting sexually harassed and your quarterly review

 

For the record, I’d like to say that I appreciate much of what you have done.  Art, music, pets, and football are some of your best work; however, there are certain things that I am very dissapointed in and would like your immediate attention to.  For instance, why the only people who sexually harass me is a 65 year-old women and the older gay guys.  I will address each of these issues in subsection A (65 year old) and B (gay men). 

 

Subsection A:

From my file, you can see that on Wednesdays at 3 o’clock I go to my violin lesson (for the good people, yes, I’m 30 years old and I take violin lessons and I know this undermines the image of a suave, sophisticated, and mysterious man that I have been trying to cultivate for 15 years: get past it and move on).  She is a very talented musician, as you know, can play multiple instruments, a true professional, and is an excellent teacher who can seamlessly interweave music theory with practice and slowly build an understanding of the form and function with her students.  She is the best teacher I have every had across my life.  As a borderline professional student, this is a great claim.  She also  takes every opportunity to touch my hands, butt, hips, and she even pulls off the occasional inner thigh, and crotch grab.  All of this happens within the 35 to 40 minutes I’m scheduled for.  Given that we still get a lot done in these sessions, I have to admire her ability to multitask.  In-and-of itself, this isn’t a problem

 

When I was 15, I used to dream of a women desiring me purely for physical reasons.  Please see my memo from November of 1995 for a cross-reference and it is the one entitled “Can I be a boy-toy one day?”.  Upon review of this memo, I realized I missed an important point that I thought was assumed, which is, I would like the person who wants me to a boy-toy and treat me as a piece of meat whose sole job is to look pretty and work on my abs to be…shall we say… not in my Mom’s generation.  Ideally, I’d like this performed by an age-appropriate lady, but, I’m wiling to met you half-way on this one by requesting that future women who sexually harass me aren’t grandmothers. 

 

Your prompt attention to this matter is greatly appreciated. 

 

Subsection B:

I’m sure you are aware of this, but I like gay people.  Lesbians are the only group of people who have generally accepted me and the best roommates are essentially a gay guy (there is no problem with liking the same person and they have excellent fashion sense; from my case history, you can see that Alan, my junior year roommate who was gay man, basically picked out my clothes me for nine months).  

 

However, I would like them to view me as a heterosexual, who despite there best efforts, will never be convinced to join there team as a catcher.  Please review my case history of my two gay stalkers, the married men who think I want to sleep with them, the 21 year old who briefly sucked on my ear and proceeded to cry when I told him I was flattered but not interested, etc.  You can see from one of my spreadsheets that the gay chaps have touched me in an inappropriate manner more than what our statistician tells is normal and is probably at least four standard deviations from the mean. 

 

I would like to request you do a case study to answer why this is the case.

 

Conclusion:

After careful deliberation, I think I understand the full scope of the problem.  I’m sure this is just an operational over-sight but you have mixed a long standing desire of mine with something that, well, is frankly somewhat disgusting.  I usually deplore sexually harassing someone because it usually it involves a perverted jerk making a women uncomfortable, unhappy, and this is never the moral thing to do.  But, I’m a guy, and I would really enjoy a women treating me like a piece of meat for just once in my life.

 

Thank you for your time and I’m sure these issues will be addressed shortly. 

 

Yours truly with a heavy heart,

 

Christopher T. Belitz 

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