My Evil Grandmother Returns

1 Jun

Dear All Good People:


My evil grandmother called me today.  Background info: my Uncle died of a heart attack at 41 and my aunt died of lung cancer this past year.  Of her three children, only my mother is left.  My evil grandmother (“EG”) is 93, still drives, drinks like she’s worried prohibition is coming back, and pill pops painkillers like they are candy.  She is off the charts in terms of how healthy she is.  And, she has not said a nice word to anybody in her entire life.  She once said “Thank you” to me, and that happened this year, but she was looking at her whiskey sour at the time so I’m not sure if it was directed at me, but I’ve decided for my own personal and mental health it was.  Her first name is “Vi” and her nickname is “Ultra-Violent.”  We refer to her as “Vi,” as in, what is Vi up to?  She never visited my aunt during her three year battle with cancer saying that my aunt, who was undergoing radiation and chemo, should visit her because she is older.  She visits my Uncle’s grave to yell at the tombstone.  She does for hours at a time at least twice a week.  I timed her once.  I wish I was making this up.


Here is the following conversation I had with her:


Me: Hello?

EG: Who is this?

Me:  This is Chris, and you called me…

EG: Oh, hi Chris, how are you doing…

Me: Well, I’m busy and…[I’m cut off]

EG: I don’t know why I’m still alive…

Me: Ahh why do you ask?

EG: Why is Jay [my uncle] and Jill [lung-cancer aunt] dead and I’m still alive?

Me: That’s a touch question…I think they had to be taken because they were too good for this Earth and planet.


[A moment of delay.]


EG: I don’t think anybody is too good for this planet.


Please reread the former sentence and, yes, the conversation went downhill from there.  It lasted over an hour.


Please, please, somebody, tell me, how in the world should I respond to this?  What can you say?  My entire strategy was to hope she got so drunk and stoned she wouldn’t remember what she was talking about.  Attrition didn’t work in WW1, the civil war, or my attempt to seduce my Monay and Banking professor.  Everybody I email has better social skills than myself.  What’s the response?  If you any ideas, please tell me.  


Further bulletins as events warrant


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