A Friend’s Strange Path to Fatherhood

9 Jun

One of my college friends has been working in I-banking in NYC for years.  Several years older than myself, I got a chance to catch up with him yesterday.

Me: “Hey, how are things?”

Him: “Pretty good.  I have some big news.”

Me: “Really?  What?”

Him: “I’m going to be a daddy!”

This is the same guy who I once told the only chance for him to reproduce is through asexual cell division.  He agreed with me.  

Me: “I didn’t know you were dating or had met anyone…”  [I’m a mid-western kid who still believes you should get married to have children; a bad schema to bring to the table for this sort of conversation.]

Him: “Well, you know that hooker I’ve been paying for like five years?”

Me: “I know you bang hookers.  I didn’t know it was the same one.”

Him: “Yup.  Same one.  This relationship is longer than any of the ones you’ve had.”

Me: “I’ll give you that one.  It might have even been emotionally healthier if, y’know, she wasn’t doing that with other guys.”

Him: “Well, she told me she was pregnant and it was mine.”

Me: “Did you get a blood test?”

Him: “Yeah, I did.  It’s mine!  I’m actually excited to be a dad.  I’m going to be a daddy!”

Me: “How far along is she?”

Him: “She’s in her third trimester.”

Me: “The sex?”

Him: “A girl.”

Me: “So, to summarize, you are having a daughter with a high-class hooker.”

Pause.

Him: “Yeah, that’s a good summary.”

Me: “Did you get tested for STDs as well?”

Him: “I always wear protection.  I was surprised to learn she got pregnant.  I guess I shouldn’t have used the condoms she gave me.  At first, I didn’t understand how this happened.”

Me: “The biology of it…” 

Him: “Well, I know she set me up.  She want’s a sugar daddy.  But, I get along better with her than anyone else.”

Me: “What did you tell your Mom?”

Him: “The truth: I knocked up a hooker.  I told her after she watched Pretty Women.”

Me: “How’d she take it?”

Him: “I’m an only child.  She’s excited to be a grandmother.  Remember when you met her?  And, you repeated the joke about me only reproducing through asexual cell division?”

Me: “No, I don’t.  But, it sounds like something I’d say.”

Him: “Yeah, well, that framed it for her to lower her expectations.  She’s out shopping with her for baby clothes right now.”

Pause.

Me: “Are you going to marry her?”

Him: “I think so.  I’m more comfortable around her than anyone else.  A lot of times we talked before we did it.”

Me: “A lot of times?  What about the other times?”

Him: “That was in our previous relationship…y’know, when I first hired her.”

Me: “You do realize hookers who have been active in this profession for years don’t just get knocked up?”

Him: “Yeah, but I’m okay with it.  Besides, I’m starting to find babies cute.”

Me: “Is she still going to hook after the kid shows up?”

Him: “No, she’s working on becoming a rep for medicine.  She has a lot of contacts in the doctor world.”

Me: “…I have to ask: how?”

Him: “A lot of her clients are physicians.  We laugh about how she is still a hooker, but in a less honest profession!”

Me: “Well, you are VP [Vice-President], you make good money, you’re having a kid, and the women you are having it with is working.  Sounds like a dream.”

Him: “I know.  I feel like the luckiest guy on the planet.”

Pause.

Him: “The best part about this is you introduced us!”

Me: “How so?”  

Him: “Well, when we were living on 52nd street…” [We lived in the same building: it was mixed housing NYU rented out because they ran out of dorm room.  It was a combination of non-NYU students and students.  One of my neighbors was a widower in his 70s; he came to our parties and we watched sports together.]  “And, you asked her out not knowing what she did for a living?  You went on that date and you got pissed…”

Let the record show I never slept with her, kissed her, or did anything with her after she told me what she did for a living.

Me: “Thank you for bringing up one of my more humiliating stories which serves as evidence that I’m stupid.”

Him: “Well, that’s how I met her!  Through you!  And, if hadn’t been your joke about asexual cell division, this would have never happened.  I would have never introduced myself!  After you told me that, we got drunk, I went to her door, and we talked.  It took a couple of years for me to get the courage to ask her out…”

Me: “You mean “hire” her.”

Him: “Yup.  Without you, none of this would have happened!”

Pause.

Me: “So, basically, my function is as a mack-Daddy who introduced her to her sugar-Daddy?”

Him: “I guess you are just a cupid getting people together!”

Me: “So, she’s the one?”

Him: “I think so.  I don’t have a problem kissing her on the mouth!”

After having this conversation, I called up another NYU friend to make sure he isn’t insane.  She said, “Oh, you didn’t know that?”

On a completely unrelated note, I’ve decided to start volunteering my time to help people.  I’m thinking of the Denver Dumb Friends League.  Does anyone know of any other good organizations?

Further Bulletins as Events Warrant

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