An Unsent Email

12 Jun
I’m going through my records right now and I ran across this unsent email.  The context surrounding the email is when I was working for a small company where everybody was a key employee and my direct reports had a series of personal-life disasters over the course of three days.  You can infer what happened from the rules.
 
Enjoy!
 
I have decided to start enforcing new rules in the office.
 
If the entire office refers to your significant other as the “Ruthless Psychopath,” I will pay for a restraining order, a hit man, a psychologist, a shaman, or whatever else it takes to get this person out of your life; just make sure they don’t show up at the office and threaten anybody.
 
The only motorcycle you are allowed on is the one you accidentally run over over with your big-ass, fuel inefficient SUV with tons of air bags.
 
You can drink only if you are sitting in a big comfy chair at your house while you wear a helmet.  
 
The only sexual positions you are allowed to engage is the missionary position.  If you want to do something different, get a spotter.  The pervert in the mail room will be glad to help.
 
All hobbies must now be approved by me.  Because you are going through a mid-life crisis is no reason to take up racing cars.  
 
Everybody will read the labels on their medication: you don’t want to confuse heart meds with ED drugs. 
 
The only phone numbers you are allowed to dial after 11PM is “911” and a suicide hotline.  I am neither.
 
There will be no storage of your favorite pornography on the company server.  
 
 
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant
 
C
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