I’m Looking Forward to becoming a Cyborg

26 Jun
I’m looking forward to becoming a cyborg.  
 
I also get happy at the thought of humanity turning into a race of cyborgs.  I think this because being a race of cyborgs would have the potential to solve all the worlds problems in terms of health care, economics, dating, social interaction, and correct stupid behavior.  I’ll explain later.
 
The question is what sort of cyborg?  If movies and science fiction teach us anything, cyborgs fall into two categories: on one hand, you have the potential to become an a grotesque abomination (Darth Vader); on the other, you become a socially clueless yet lovable character (Seven from Star Trek Voyager).  I don’t want to become an evil-infested technologically nightmare.  I want to become a useful one, like Mitt Romney or Joe Biden.  So, a further description of my ideal cyborg state is needed.  I’ll start with health care.
 
Here’s the argument: What I would like is to have a something on my left forearm that looks a  lot like an NFL quarterback’s play calling thing.  At any time, I could check to make sure I was getting the correct amount of vitamins and if there is anything wrong with my body.  This would solve a lot of health issues if somebody could, say, look at their forearm and realize their blood pressure is rising too fast or their thyroid levels are too low.  Health care costs would plunge because, hey, when you know what is wrong with your body, you can solve the problem before it becomes an issue and not spend a lot of money on meaningless tests meant to protect the doctor from you suing them.  The cyborg would have notices that say things like, “get to the hospital right now,” “stop eating McDonalds are you trying to die, dumbass?”  or “Go to the store and pick up some vitamin D.”  
 
The economy would improve because inventors would start creating Apps to make us forget we live in horrible world.  I have the following ideas for these Apps.
 
There would be Dating and Relationship Apps.  So much of dating is based upon physical attraction rather than personality.  I’ve dated a ton of girls who are personality disordered messes and I think becoming the cyborg thing will solve this.  If two cyborgs went on a date, it would be based solely on personality, not sexual attraction.  How?  When the cyborg couples are feeling randy, plug in to each other (pun intended), and enter a virtual environment where it looks and feels like a human physical contact with several exceptions: you can make your partner look like anyone you want.  Thinking of the girl you had a crush on in college?  You can upload Cassie version 2001 and she can upload Brad Pitt version 1996.  There will be fail safe features on this so you don’t know what partner-version your significant other loaded.  I think we can all agree is a good thing.   
 
Other Apps I’m looking forward to is to have one where a program will control your body language and what you say when you are dealing with boring parties, in-laws, and other people you don’t like.  A preprogrammed software will prevent you from pissing people off, behaving badly, and will ideally let you go to, in my case, my virtual man-cave and watch football while I keep an eye on the program.  I think this will be a wonderful world!
 
Education would improve.  Just think of the ability to have a TiVo like App where you can record everything you see and replay it at will.  Late at night, students could review information and lectures.  80% of students perform better watching a lecture on a television rather than sitting in class.  Test scores will increase, more smart and creative people will work harder on problems, then good things happen.  Having this will also stop arguments because you bring up what people said and what they meant.  This creates a self-policing program for everyone where people watch what they say, you won’t argue about what was said because, well, you are on the record.  
 
What do you as a cyborg look like?  I’m biased on this and am willing to flexible on this issue.  Here’s why: a cyborg will not have components hidden so people don’t know you are a cyborg.  I want this for selfish reasons: I hate shopping for clothes, I hate buying clothes, and I hate cleaning clothes.  That’s a lot of hate and it isn’t good for my soul.  But, if I had a standard-issue cyborg outfit, that problem would be solved.  Think of all the time and money put back in your pocket!  
 
How crazy does this make me sound?
 
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant
 
C
 
posted to ctbelitz.wordpress.com
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