Hospitals should be ranked on to how attractive the staff is

13 Jul
I was visiting a former coworker, Tony, being treated for lung cancer in a hospital yesterday (whenever I visit someone in a hospital, I have to remind myself not to ask how many people have died in their bed, how many corpses are in the basement, and how close is the morgue to cafeteria).  
 
Finding the room, I asked him how he was being treated.
 
Tony: “Great!”
Me: “This is a good hospital for your condition?”
Tony: “No idea.  But, the nurses are really hot.”
 
I had noticed this and, to be honest,  I felt like I had walked onto the set of a beer commercial when I was trying to find his room.  That’s when I had an idea: why don’t we rank hospitals based on how attractive the staff is!  
 
And, I don’t just mean the hospital staff is filled with beautiful women.  Hospitals will need to be staffed with handsome men as well.  That’s the only fair way to do it because sick old ladies should get eye candy as well.     
 
Why do I think this is a good idea?  Here’s some reasons.   
 
Ranking hospitals according to the staff looks seems less subjective than what is going on.  The current hospital ranking systems reeks of spaghetti logic, ad hoc adjustments, and sometimes seems the only difference between being ranked 34 and 35 is if the Chief of Medicine bought the authors lunch.  I have the suspicion most illnesses are treated the same throughout the country; having the beautiful float around you while you stay there would improve patient moral and help with healing; and, it also gives the hospitals a good marketing plan.
 
This plan could be used to increase revenue.  People pay extra if they know they are getting a high-quality standard of care and being bathed by a beauty would increase the standard of care.  
 
If I was in charge of marketing for a hospital, I would make a commercial where a voice over states: “It sucks you are sick and I know many of you will die slow, painful deaths; but, if you come here, these are the beautiful people who will give you sponge baths and change your diaper.”  The TV spot then shows the hospital staff waving and the narrator continues by saying, “Voted the most attractive staff in the United States by both Chronically Ill andHypochondriac Quarterly, our staff members are so pretty they get out of traffic tickets just by smiling.  You’ll never want to get better if you come here.  Being poked and prodded has never been more fun!  When you need a hospital, think smart and sexy.  Think of our hospital!”  
 
Other potential marketing slogans could include “You’ll want our doctors and nurses to give you a colonoscopy,” “We are so good looking, you’ll beg your ambulance driver to come here,” or “After seeing our staff, you’ll pray we never cure diabetes.”
 
I think this would be a good way for hospitals to raise money to treat poor patients and fund research.
 
Here’s how they can use this for charity fundraisers: we already have Fire-fighter and cheerleader calendars where funds are used to promote charitable causes.  It is a very easy and good way to raise money because it is a proven strategy.  Why not employ the same strategy for hospitals? We could sell calendars with titles like, “The Caring Women of St. Jude,” “The Macho Men of National Jewish’s Emergency Room,” “The Best Sponge Bathers at Sky Ridge,” or even “The Sexy Men of the Oncology Department.”   
 
This would be a worthy cause and I think it would work and sell.  Besides, buying a calendar is a lot better than being hit up for a donation every few months. 
 
There are potential objections: the first is that this would demean the image and of health care workers and hurt patient trust.  I don’t think this is the case because the general impression of the health care industry can’t get any worse.  Showing a sense of humor about yourself improves peoples’ opinion of you and might reduce lawsuits.  The next objection is basing your medical decision on looks is dangerous.  My response is the only people who have informed consent about medical procedures have advanced degrees.  We should stop pretending we can actually judge if someone is good at a profession we have no chance or desire to understand and go with something easy we do naturally: are they hot?
 
Who’s with me on this?
 
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant
 
C
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