The Upside to Cancer

19 Jul

Yesterday, I was drunk dialed by Sunil, a friend from college.  

Sunil is one of my bitter finance friends who, while a very nice guy, openly admits he hates his life, regrets every decision he has ever made, and currently works for a boss who was mentioned as a reason a coworker killed himself in the suicide note.  The bosses’ nickname is “Skeletor” from He-man and they keep Skeletor action figures in their desks.  They have one He-Man doll awarded to the last person who out-smarts the boss.  About once a month, their office gets together to have a beer and a group therapy session.  They’ve all agreed, if their boss dies, they are going to drive a stake through his chest at the funeral to make sure he doesn’t show up to the office the next day if the afterlife rejects him.  They’d all quit, but they are so grossly over-paid none of them will leave despite the abuse. 
Sunil is a lot of fun to talk to.
I see it’s him and I pick up.     
Me: You better not be complaining to me about not getting into Yale or about your emotionally infantile ex.  
Sunil: I’m drunk.   
Me:  What time is it there?
Sunil:  Doesn’t matter.  I might have testicular cancer…I don’t know what I should do….what would you do?
Sunil, sophomore year, was the first person to point out I’m one of those guys with theories (bad ones) and plans (idiotic on a good day) for everything.    
Me:  Well, if I ever come down with testie cancer, here’s my plan of acton:
1) The first thing I would do is freeze some sperm 
2) Start working on the speech I’m going to give to my child when they ask me why they look like polar bears.  
3) If the doctors only have to remove one nut, I would try to convince them to do it for half price since they are only going to do half the work.  If it’s both, I’d see if I could get a 2 for 1 special.  [Sunil is starting to laugh.]
4) Realize there’s an upside to this!  You won’t run into J.’s problem (Sunil and I have a friend who knocked up a call girl; it’s a girl: he’s excited to be a Dad).  You can determine when you have the kid.  You can control your testosterone levels.  And, you don’t have to worry about being kicked in the crotch anymore!  Think of how liberating that would be.  This would also be a great party trick: the Amazing Sunil can be kicked in the nuts with no pain.  Plus, you don’t have to worry about your boss coming after your balls anymore.  They’re already gone!  There’s always an upside.
A laughing pause.
Sunil: Do you realize you’re insane?
Me: I think everybody else is crazy.  The big question marks about this I know they give you fake nuts afterwards so you still feel like a man…
Sunil:  I’ve never felt like a man.
Me (thinking):  Me neither…anyways, my question is, in terms of nut size, is it just one size fits all or is this like getting a pair of shoes where, y’know, they try to get an accurate fit..
Sunil:  Good questions to ask.
We chatted for a bit, then I asked the question which had always bothered me about this issue.
Me:  This surgery will cost roughly $15,000 to $25,000.  Basically, you are being neutered, like a pet.  Vet’s charge something like $150 for this.  Pets seem to do fine.  If people are just a bunch of animals, why not have a vet do it and save some money?
Sunil started laughing so hard he couldn’t talk.  I continued.
Me: Let’s call a vet and ask.
So, we conferenced called in a vet.
Vet:  How can I help you?
Me: We would like to know if are willing to cut the balls off of an animal.  
Vet (laughing): We do that all the time.  It’s our speciality.  What’s the animal?
Me:  It’s called a Sunil.
Sunil (laughing): Yeah, it weighs 220 pounds and is roughly 5 feet 6 inches long.  
We kept this up for awhile and, when the vet figured us out, I’m pleased to report he found it really funny.  After we explained why were doing it, and he wasn’t on a radio show, he observed:
Vet: I’ve always wondered that myself.  What’s the difference between Pet medication and Pet Surgery and human stuff?
Sunil: $15,000 to $25,000!
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant

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