The Joy of Sickness

27 Jul

I’m been sick for the past three days and, I can safely say, I now envy the dead.  

 
It’s one of those viruses where I’m shivering in 80 degrees yet still sweating, my left foot is hot while my right foot is cold, the only calories I’ve taken in are from cold medicine, and I wish I was in a coma.  To make matters worse, there’s a fly trapped in my room whose buzzing, I’m pretty sure, is making my ear drums bleed. 

 
There are scientific benefits to this situation because I achieved independent confirmation of the Higgs Boson “God Particle.”  I can feel all of the standard model particles smashing against my body.  There are still unnamed particles out there, but once I stop hallucinating, I’ll publish the notes I’ve taken.  
 
I’ll also post my ideas on how Greece can leave the Euro in an organized fashion (I had a dream where I was attending a symposium with the great Economists and the idea was essentially fix the new Greek Drachma to the Euro where 1 Drachma buys 1.1 Euros; deflates Greece’s debt; but Drachmas can only be exchanged with Euros for several years.  The flea woke me up before we discussed how to prevent funds from taking advantage of a fixed currency regime, but I digress.)
 
This virus also has military applications as well.  As far as I can tell, my teeth have suddenly grown nerve endings and merely biting down on a piece of bread is so torturous it makes water boarding look a spa treatment.  A Super-Villian could conquer the world with this virus; all he or she would need is a clever marketing name.  Something that sounds sinister but is still scientific.  I would suggest names like the “Gia Strain,” “The Flea Plague,” or wait until a celebrity or athlete comes down with it, then name it after them.  Who wouldn’t be scared of “Brad Pitt’s Disease”?  The last suggestion you’d have to careful with because if you name if after a Paris Hilton, people will think it’s an STD.  
 
Meanwhile, I’m out of Advil, so I have to psych myself up to go to the store.
 
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant
 
C
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