Why do Ghosts Wear Clothes?

28 Jul

Why do ghosts wear clothes?

 
This question has bothered me for some time because anytime I hear a ghost story, with the possible exceptions of Casper the friendly ghost and Slimmer from Ghost Busters, they are always wearing some sort of clothing.  From Lincoln, to the Tower of London, to haunted houses, to every possible ghost story you hear, they are never naked.  Why?  
 
Take the Lincoln Ghost.  The White House is supposedly one of the most haunted places in the world with numerous sightings of different ghosts for hundreds of years (this probably explains why the people living and working there are crazy: you might round a corner and get a stern look from a judgemental spook).  Lincoln is the most famous and has been reported to be seen all over the White House.  Sometimes he’s in the bedroom or he is just staring out a random window with his hands behind his back.  What I want to know is whether or not Lincoln is always wearing the same clothes or is a ghost allowed to make a wardrobe change?  I mean, people have reported seeing him for over a hundred years, was he always in the same coat?  
 
This also raises the question: if you were a ghost, what clothes would you be wearing?  If the clothes make the man, shouldn’t they also make the ghost?  As a ghost,  I think I’d need three outfits: one for summer, one for winter, and one for Spring and Fall.  The Summer outfit will be dockers, nice shoes, and a t-shirt.  The Winter will include my snow boots, jeans, a sweater, and a jacket.  For Spring and Fall, I wear the same outfits, so I’d probably go with some walking shoes, chinos, t-shirt, sweater vest, and a jacket.  
 
Another issue is why have I never seen a ghost wearing shorts or in short sleeves?  Is there a dress code for spirits?  If there is, it appears to be business casual because they have long pants and long sleeved shirts.  When I thought about this, all I could think was I spent my living years trying to be able to dress like I’m a flood victim only to die and spend eternity haunting people in my business casual wardrobe.  No wonder ghosts always appear to be grumpy: they aren’t comfortable!  This also might explain why they haunt people: they’re just looking for a change in underwear.  For all we know, when the ghostly Lincoln stares out the window, he isn’t contemplating the horrors of the Civil War.  He’s wishing he wasn’t wearing his most itchy pair of wool briefs.  
 
The other question of becoming a ghost is what sort of ghost you would be.  I think the ghost you become is probably determined by how you interacted with people in your life.  For me, I’d be a poltergeist.  Why?  I keep in touch primarily via phone, email, and text messaging.  I’d be never seen, but heard, which would be the most annoying of all ghosts.  So, if that’s the case, ghostly sartorial concerns are moot.  
 
And, yes, these are the sorts of thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools.
 
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant
 
C
 
 
PS I don’t believe ghosts exist for the record.  
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