Of everything I’ve lost, I miss my butt the most

9 Aug

I miss my butt.

I’m thinking about that today because I pulled my groin muscle trying to pull a weed out.  As someone who sucks at physical labor, is accident prone, and is scared of gardener snakes, why was I out working in the yard?  This is because I haven’t had a normal conversation with anyone in several days and I thought some physical labor would do me some good.  
The problem with this idea is that it never does me any good.  
I’m one of the few people who is healthier when I don’t work out, spend time outdoors, or engage in any activity other than watching TV.  How did I end up in the yard then?  To answer that, let’s examine some of the stressful no-fun conversations I’ve had lately and why I decided it would be a good idea to work in the yard to help me relax.
1.  I talked to the worse half of lesbian couple number 3 (Alexis) who is in a fight with her girlfriend because Alexis, who works in theater, got laid off and, in order to make ends meet, has gone back to working as a dominatrix.  She did this job to put herself through college.  (People ask me how she and I became friends and the answer is basically we sat next to each other in an 8 am Philosophy of Language course.)
2.  I spent two hours on the phone with the city of Denver trying to find out why I was mailed a parking ticket for a car, while in my name, I don’t own (the creep who stole my identity strikes again; and, I can already tell, this going to get ugly)
3.  Speaking to the IRS on how they lost the first page of my tax returns when I file electronically
4.  Finding out that the only character in my book who is based on a real person died under circumstances that may have been a “suicide” in Europe.  Please pay attention to the fact I put “suicide” in parenthesis 
5.  Having a detailed conversation with a friend, who is in stage four lung cancer, about whether they actually “pull the plug” on you–like, physically unplug a cord–or if its something else
And, finally, what did me in
6.  My mother complementing on how nice my ass looked 
Which brings me back to my butt.  I decided pulling out some weeds would relieve some stress.  So, on a whim, I strolled out to my yard and approached the first thing I could identify as a weed.  While it looked small, it turned out to have a root that reaches to China.  The last thing I remember is reaching down and trying the pull the thing out by twisting my body. Then, I ended up on the ground writhing in pain grabbing my crotch.  I can safely say the weed kicked my ass.  
Once again, back to my butt.  
As anybody who has had a groin pull can tell you, you can’t walk or do much with this sort of delicate injury around the favorite part of your body. So, I’m spending a lot of time sitting.  Normally, I work standing up and I pace a lot, so I’m not used to sitting most of the day.  It turns out there is a reason for this: it hurts my tail bone because I have no butt.  I always used to wonder why old guys would bring seat pads when I was at football and baseball games and now I know the answer: it hurts to sit.  This wasn’t always true for me.  I remember a day when I could sit on rocks, classroom chairs, tables, counters, and faces for hours on end and it wouldn’t bother me.  Hell, I could sit at the library for twelve hours straight without even noticing I’d only gotten up twice.  
Now, I’m on the floor on my stomach trying to work, but thinking about not only A) when did I lose my ass B) where did I lose it so I can get it back and C) what I’m going to do that plant once I can walk without screaming like a hyena.  
Part C is a problem  Simple killing it wouldn’t satisfy me.  I want to make it suffer first.  Slowly poising it over a few weeks would be fun.  Or, perhaps torching it with small matches until it dies would be entertaining.  Maybe I could discover a way to water-board it, almost kill it, then revive it with Miracle Grow, then almost kill it again, and do this repeatedly until my grown heals when I’ll finish it off for good.  HAAHAHAA.  
On a more healthy note, I’ve emailed Kim Kardashian asking for advice on how she gets her ass so big and cushy.  I think this is her sole area of expertise and I want to learn from her so I can one day sit on a chair without having to borrow my Dad’s hemorrhoid pillow.
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant

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