I miss being addicted to caffeine

15 Aug

I miss being addicted to caffeine.  

I quite drinking anything that has caffeine in it several months ago.  I didn’t do this for any health reasons.  I just got sick of buying Diet Coke, Red Bull, or coffee one day and decided I could save a lot of money if I no longer made these purchases.  After going through withdrawal and feeling proud of myself, at first my life got better: I was sleeping more than five hours a night, I felt better, and I was no longer a twitchy-paranoid strolling around making everyone nervous.  
The first two weeks of having this monkey off my back were great.  Since then, it has absolutely sucked.  I have been a caffeine-fiend since I was ten years old and it turns out two decades of sleep deprivation are catching up to me.  I sleep all the time now.  Here’s a list of the following places I have dozed off at: a doctor’s office, a restaurant, during phone conversations, sitting on my porch, in front of the computer, and, every night, I fall asleep in front of the TV.  I love sleeping in front of the TV–it’s one of my little pleasures of life–but having it happen between 7 and 8 every night is impacting my social life.  
To make matters worse, I’m a notorious sleep-walker.  In college, my roommates and hall-mates would have to go fetch me and put me back to bed about once a semester.  The other times I was actually useful.  I would clean the kitchen, the bathroom, fold clothes, or, even once, I worked out.  I would not remember any of this and wake-up well-rested the next morning in my bed only to find out what exactly I had done and spend the next week being made fun of.  I kinda got a kick out of this because it didn’t happen that much and, to tell you the truth, I enjoy being made fun of (I can’t resist a women who teases me).  
Since I gave up stimulants, though, I’m missing a key ingredient to why I didn’t mind being a night stroller: I no longer wake in my bed.  Here are the following places I’ve woken up in the past two weeks: my kitchen, my home gym bench, on top of my giant stuffed animal Stanley the bear, my porch, the back of my SUV, and, this morning, the Highline Canal trail near my home. 
The Highline Canal trail is the one that ruined my sense of humor about this and, basically, turned this from an eccentric funny quirk to, frankly speaking, something obnoxious.  At first, it was a little bit exciting to fall asleep wondering where I’m going to wake up; now, when I go to bed, I’m terrified of what might happen.  Today, I spent the entire day wondering how to prevent this.  
I don’t have a good solution other than, literally, installing an electric fence and wear a collar or bracelet that shocks me to consciousness anytime I leave my bedroom.  (I have a couple exs who would love the idea of me being shocked; this also reminds me to change my emergency contact from an ex-gf who would have no problem pulling the plug on me and would probably try even if I just have a head cold [I’ve been meaning to do this for seven years].)
What does this have to do with missing being addicted to caffeine?  The only corrallation I can find is that sleep walking started to get bad right after I quit my liquid energy habit.  Other than sleeping more than I thought possible, I’m ending up in weird and unusual places.  So, the next best solution is get re-addicted to Diet Coke.  
This is proving harder than you’d think: it turns out A) I don’t like its taste and B) when you haven’t had any caffeine for months, this shit is like jet fuel.  I mean, I had a half a one today, and I was shaking so badly I couldn’t work on my computer for over an hour.  If my heart would ever fail, I wouldn’t need to be zapped with electric paddles, just give me a shot of java and I’m pretty sure that would restart the old-ticker.  
I’m opening up the floor to any suggestions.  I can’t not be the only person with these two problems and I’m convinced somebody has solved this before.  
Any ideas?
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant
posted to ctbelitz.wordpress.com 

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