Archive | October, 2012

Halloween has Gone too Far

31 Oct

As a society, I think we have gone completely over-board on this Halloween thing.  

Something happened at some point in my teens when Halloween went from a night where kids dressed up and ran around a neighborhood collecting tooth-decaying junk food to where adults spend hundreds of dollars on outfits with sexual innuendos Sigmund Freud would be proud of.  I feel like I’m getting way too in touch with other peoples’ subconscious when I look at their costumes.  If I go to a party, people get out of control and they act like completely different people.  Social conventions exist for a very simple purpose: so the crazies don’t scare the few of us who are, in fact, sane.  Halloween completely undermines this principle because it is acceptable for a grown adult–many of whom are partially educated and successful–to behave in manner which would have sparked genocide in any other society.  

I hate Halloween because there is no way I can win on this day.  I don’t like attending parties, I don’t like dressing up, and all my jokes fall flat.  I used to tell people, who asked me what I was going as, that I was dressed as a serial killer (so I don’t have to dress up…a joke nobody finds funny yet I continue to tell), I had the feeling they were mentally preparing their testimony to the authorities…yup, you’re dressed as a pregnant nun, I’m in street clothes and I’m the weird one.  
The worst part about Halloween is, when I tell people I just like to stay home and hand out candy to kids, they look at me like I’m a potential child molester who needs to be reported to the FBI.  This doesn’t change the fact Halloween is the biggest of the non-holidays right now.  I mean, it used to be Saint Patricks day, but Halloween has completely displaced that vomit induced drunk fest.  
I would rather celebrate Shark Week than Halloween; but, to be fair, I’d rather celebrate the Bond marathon than Christmas, Easter, Passover, Ramadon, New Years, or any other arbitrary celebration.  
To summarize, I’m going to be really grumpy tomorrow so, whatever happens, stay the $*#@ out of my way.

Fun with Euthanasia

26 Oct

I was reading the Economist when I ran across an article describing how physician assisted suicide is becoming more acceptable and legalized around the world.  When I read this, I thought whether euthanasia will ever be accepted in the United States.  Then, I thought, if assisted suicide is legal here, will insurance companies cover it and how will this effect premiums?  A person I talked to about this thought the death-by-doctor option would increase the policy cost per person.  His reasoning was, since this would be an extra service and we pay more for additional services, the premium will increase.

I disagree. 

I think euthanasia would decrease your insurance cost.  My theory is that when people get really sick, they cost the insurance company tons of money to take care of them the last months of their life.  It would be in the insurance companies best interest if they just died before spending this amount of money and what better way for the insurance companies to save money if the person killed themselves before spending this amount of money.  Not to mention this would be a good strategy to deal with the mentally ill.  The mentally ill cost insurance companies more money than anyone else and what better way to get ride of them than through doctor-assisted suicide?  It would be a great policy for insurance companies to get these potential liabilities off their books, not to mention if the Government approved this policy we could cut Medicare and Medicaid costs.  I think physician assisted suicide would decrease insurance premiums and health care costs at all levels.

Where is my logic wrong on this?  And, if I’m not, who wants to lobby the government with me to get this legalized?

Further Bulletins as Events Warrant


PS Don’t take this seriously because I’m probably insane and, yes, these are the thoughts which kept me out of the really good schools.


Why does voting feel like taking your sister to the prom?

23 Oct

When I first turned 18, I couldn’t wait to vote.  I had been a news and political junky for years.  I knew all the issues at the state and Federal levels, researched all the candidates, formed my own opinions, got into barely civilized debates, and I was generally annoying.  I remember the first time I voted and how excited I was to push buttons for the people, issues, and bills I supported.  I would then stay up late waiting to hear the results and anxious for what future would be provided.  Politics and elections were my sport.  It was my entertainment and obsession.  After voting in 6 cycles, my attitude toward elections has evolved from unbridled optimism to a mechanism for roommate revenge (I voted the exact opposite the way one of my obnoxiously belligerent politics obsessed roommates voted just to irritate him) to my current feeling. 

Voting feels like I’m taking my sister to the prom: even if everything works out, it will still be disgusting.  
Does anybody else feel like this, or is it just me?
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant
PS I don’t have a sister, by the way.   

Psych out on a phone call

19 Oct

I have been a witness in several crimes, I’ve had to go in and identify someone in a police lineup, and I’ve been threatened to be killed so many times I no longer get worried about it.  I’ve negotiated million dollar deals, I’ve lobbied senators, congressman, advised assemblymen, wired millions of dollars daily, and once showered with a butch lesbian.  Despite looking like a 12 year old girl, I consider myself fairly seasoned and not easily intimidated; so, I had no problem calling up the FBI and filing a Freedom of Information Act Request for a scam that will be the basis for my third book.

However, when I got a callback from the FBI, I got psyched out to the point where I felt like I was an 8 year old trying to hit on his 16 year old babysitter.
If anybody needs me, I’ll be retrieving my ass that got kicked into Utah this weekend.
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant

List of Country Songs I’d like to write (funny)

10 Oct
The following list are the names of country western songs I’d write if I had any talent.  And, yes, I realize I’m probably insane.

All your love gave me was cold sores

-I lost my virginity in the county jail shower
-Me and my ten gallon hat in New York City
-They just told me my sister is my Mother
-Whiskey is best in the morning
-Why didn’t we move our trailer when we heard there was a tornado coming?
-All my illegitimate children live in Texas
-If you were only like my truck
-He was too drunk to be an outlaw
I think I could win an award and go platinum with several of these songs.  
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant
PS Not to worry.  I’ll do a list of rock, pop, and hip-hop songs at some point….yes, I write ideas down and plan these things out.  I think I need more hobbies or a better social life.    

Why I’m not a bigot, but against seeing German Doctors

2 Oct

I have friends on every continent who are Hindu, Muslim, Christians, Catholics, atheist, Wicken, and red heads.  I’m friends with conservatives, liberals, socialists, and even one communist.  I respect the opinions of people with GEDs, BAs, BSs, MSs, MFAs, MBAs, JDs, MDs, PHDs, and experts in life experience.  I’ve hired and enjoyed working with Europeans, Russians, Pakistanis, Indians, Chinese, Filipinos, Australians, Egyptians, Iraqis, Mexicans, Latin Americas, South Americas, and, God help me, even people in Canada and New Jersey.       

With that being said, I will never visit a dentist or a doctor with a German accent.  
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant
%d bloggers like this: