Archive | November, 2012

Recipe for Road Trip Disaster

20 Nov


-2 parts bad directions
-1 part ulcerative colitis 
-1 part city you hate on principal and never want to go again, we’ll call it Mas Begas
-2 parts greasy spoon food
-1 part dead cell phone battery
To achieve Road Trip Disaster 
-Eat at greasy spoon before finishing the last leg of your journey
-Make sure your cell phone’s battery is dead so you can’t use its map features to help you
-Get faulty directions because they don’t take into account of construction projects
-Have a big truck block your exit 
-Take next exit
-Discover the entry way to turn around has been blocked due to construction
-End up on Mas Begas’ most famous street, called “The Rip”
Any great recipe needs an element of luck which any chef is capable of
-Get stuck in traffic jam
-Sit in traffic jam for three hours
-Feel your ulcerative colitis; remember your greasy spoon meal
You may feel the need to not add a greasy spoon meal, but it is an essential ingredient.  This is a daring recipe.  
-Begin to wonder where you will go to bathroom
-Hold as long as possible until it is starting to boil
There are several variations to what you consider doing next
        A)Jump out of car and sprint to nearest restroom
            i) Consider how much it will cost to get your car back after it has been towed
            ii) Hire street walker to sit in the car so you can get it back 
If you consider either of these options, remember to carefully consider what items you don’t want to lose and grab them
        B)  Drive on sidewalk and find nearest restroom
For (B), it is important to remember you are relying on luck the judge you get has a sense of humor and irritable bowel syndrome 
        C) Drive into the most expensive valet parking on The Rip with the express purpose of sprinting into the nearest restroom
(D) is the preferred method and potentially very expensive, but any good recipe is made or breaked on the ingredients: the most expensive ingredients produce the best methods
-What ever option you choose, it is important to let recipe simmer until you can find this funny
-Share recipe with friends   

I want to throw a Mayan-End-of-the-World party

19 Nov

I want to throw a Mayan-End-of-the-World party.  The Mayan Calendar ends on December 21st, 2012 (a Friday).  Some people are predicting the end of the world; others say it is the beginning of a new time period (don’t send me any references to Obama, please).  Those who voted for Romney can think its the end of the world and those who voted for Obama can think of it as a new age.  It’s something for everyone.

Every good party needs a theme, though.  Examples include Pimp and Hoe, tacky sweater parties, casino night, etc.  I think the theme for this one would be what you would wear in post-apocalyptic world so you can kill and survive.  As a boy scout who survived exactly one meeting before quitting, I understand the importance of being prepared.  This is why we are going to wear outfits.  This way, when we count down to the end of the world (we will be counting down from where the Mayan capital’s time zone is located from when it turns midnight there), we will be prepared to go out and survive.

What sort of outfits?  I think they should be inspired from post-apocalyptic movies.  The one I thought of was Road Warrior (  This gives the party goers the opportunity to wear leather and weapons.  I’m not into movies so much, so if anybody has any other ideas or references, let me know.
If we get really into this (bear in mind I have too much energy and time on my hands), the only food would be the food we eat in a world after the apocalypse.  We are going to have prepare our bodies for a diet only available in a nightmare lawless world that isn’t Staten Island.  Any food loaded with preservatives will do.  We can have anything made by Chef-boy-R-D or Hostess (Twinkies) for food.  And, we can drink jungle juice and home made beer for refreshments because, well, that’s what we are going to eat in a post-apocalyptic world.  We don’t have to do the last part, I’m just throwing out ideas.
What I like most about this idea is it could become an annual party and the perfect spoil for Christmas parties.  It could be end of the world party plus three years.  This would get more and more funny each year.
A mere 12 hours ago I proposed throwing an end-of-Mayan calendar party.  In part of that email, I mentioned we should eat Twinkies since they can literally last a hundred years.  This morning, I read Hostess is filing for liquidation (an interesting aside, when I was in distressed debt I covered Hostess–then called Interstate Bakeries–first bankruptcy and, even then, I knew they didn’t solve any of their problems).

With the preferred desert we would need in the event of the end of the world, I’m getting concerned the end of the world is actually happening.

I have Proof there is a God and he Hates me

14 Nov

I am going to a friend’s wedding this weekend.  I’m driving from Colorado to San Diego.  My original plan was to make it a lazy trip where I could stop, visit places, and enjoy the scenery.  Today, I slipped on the stairs and hurt my tailbone.  This means I’m going to have to spend fifteen hours sitting on a broken tail bone so I can get to the wedding.  

I think this confirms there is not only a God, but he hates me.  

My Idea for a New Holiday

9 Nov

Disclaimer: Before I get started this morning, I would like to address the fact that, deep down, I don’t think anybody reads these things.  They are meant as satire and I write them so I can warm up my prose in the morning.  In the event somebody actually does read these things and takes them seriously, bear in mind I’m probably insane.  

I have decided I want to start a new holiday.  I don’t want a holiday like Christmas–which, as a child, your entire year is centered around and you come to dread the older you get–but more like Super Bowl Sunday or Shark Week.  It’s something you look forward to because there are no expectations you have to do something.  It is just jolly good fun.  
Here’s my idea.  I want to declare a national Confess to Stupid Things you do Day.  The idea is simple: everybody has to confess to one idiotic bad habit they can’t seem to stop doing.  I think Hallmark would eat this up because they can start a speciality line of cards which you can give to your family, co-workers, unloved, and loved ones to point out which of their personality idiosyncrasies they appear to be unable to stop doing despite all knowledge to the contrary.  The rules for it are basically you can’t confess to a drug habit, philandering, or behavior which makes you sound like a sociopath.  No, you confess to stupid little habits which we all do.  I think this will bring us together and, for one day a year, we don’t have to pretend we are all perfect.  
I’ll start.  
-Any time I use a public restroom, I use the child’s urinal so I can feel like a giant
-I plane my week around the House marathon
-I have a crush on JK Rowling
-I like romantic comedies 
-I still sleep with a stuffed animal
What are some of the stupid habits you do?
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant
PS I’m working on several massive projects right now; two of which have been derailed because the people I’m dealing with are so upset or happy by the election they don’t see the point in continuing to help me.  I find this very annoying.  The most compelling project I’m working on right now is I’m doing a series of interviews with an expert in offshore fraud and he’s telling me some of the wildest stories I’ve ever heard.  A pugnacious Welshman with an accent bordering on cockney, he’s like a working-class James Bond.  He’s fun and I’m wondering  if people are interested in hearing some of these stories.  
Let me know!

Memo to world: I hate the day after an election

7 Nov

Attention World: I hate the day after an election.  

In all fairness, I don’t like any disruption to my schedule, routine, or TV watching.  Given that any election destroys all three of these things, I’m going to be in a bad mood.  What makes matters worse is every single election cycle I manage to convince myself people will go back to, y’know, acting like real people the day after an election.  This never happens.  People are either depressed because their candidate lost or obnoxious because their candidate won.  They also manage to convince themselves their lives will change if one person is in the office as opposed to another.  Guess what?  It doesn’t.  80% of the budget is already fixed, foreign policy is set by the State department, most of the social issues people vote on are decided by the Supreme Court, and the luckiest narcissist will still be in the oval office.  
After every presidential election, I manage to lie to myself to think that people won’t make gigantic life-changing decisions the day after an election.  They do.  I’m working on three huge research projects right now.  One of them is now on hold because two of my contacts are depressed Romney lost, another one was only talking to me because they were convinced Obama would lose, and I’m dreading calling up several of my peps in Nebraska–who I need to talk too to push forward another project–because I’m going to listen to them talk about how life isn’t worth living since Romney didn’t get elected.  I mean, should I even bother trying to work today?  All I’m going to hear about is the election and people bitch about things they can’t control, can’t change, and otherwise make statements that are technically speaking felonies. 
Then, there is going to be my afternoon conference call with NYC.  I’m dreading this one because they are going to talk the entire time about Obama and how Christ would worship him if he was alive today and not what information I need answered so I can close up this project.  World: I don’t care who you voted for.  I don’t care about how the world is going to come to an end or how justice will suddenly appear because your favorite jackass is behind a desk.  What I care about is finishing my projects so I can move on with my life.
So, I’m proposing we declare business-as-usual day.  We all go about our business and continue leading our lives.  You can talk about the election, its implications, and other political-economic business, but there is no complaining or gloating.  
Who’s with me?  

Where do computer hackers find the time?

5 Nov

This morning, I was reading an article on how NBC’s website got hacked.  The hackers posted messages showing support for Guy Fawkes and his fifth of November thing (think of V for Vendetta).  My question is, how do hackers by-pass a company’s website security system, which I assume must be fairly technical and difficult, get access to the website, then post a political message with incorrect spelling and grammar?  I mean, this is a lot like throwing a $250,000 wedding and the bride shows up in sweat pants.

Also, where do computer hackers find the time to do this?  Don’t they have lives?  And, for all their brains, can’t they find something more productive to do with their time?  If you can break into a billion dollar company’s website and bypass all of their really cool security features, couldn’t they get over-paid jobs someplace?  

These are the thoughts which kept me out of the really good schools

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