My Idea for a New Holiday

9 Nov

Disclaimer: Before I get started this morning, I would like to address the fact that, deep down, I don’t think anybody reads these things.  They are meant as satire and I write them so I can warm up my prose in the morning.  In the event somebody actually does read these things and takes them seriously, bear in mind I’m probably insane.  

I have decided I want to start a new holiday.  I don’t want a holiday like Christmas–which, as a child, your entire year is centered around and you come to dread the older you get–but more like Super Bowl Sunday or Shark Week.  It’s something you look forward to because there are no expectations you have to do something.  It is just jolly good fun.  
Here’s my idea.  I want to declare a national Confess to Stupid Things you do Day.  The idea is simple: everybody has to confess to one idiotic bad habit they can’t seem to stop doing.  I think Hallmark would eat this up because they can start a speciality line of cards which you can give to your family, co-workers, unloved, and loved ones to point out which of their personality idiosyncrasies they appear to be unable to stop doing despite all knowledge to the contrary.  The rules for it are basically you can’t confess to a drug habit, philandering, or behavior which makes you sound like a sociopath.  No, you confess to stupid little habits which we all do.  I think this will bring us together and, for one day a year, we don’t have to pretend we are all perfect.  
I’ll start.  
-Any time I use a public restroom, I use the child’s urinal so I can feel like a giant
-I plane my week around the House marathon
-I have a crush on JK Rowling
-I like romantic comedies 
-I still sleep with a stuffed animal
What are some of the stupid habits you do?
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant
PS I’m working on several massive projects right now; two of which have been derailed because the people I’m dealing with are so upset or happy by the election they don’t see the point in continuing to help me.  I find this very annoying.  The most compelling project I’m working on right now is I’m doing a series of interviews with an expert in offshore fraud and he’s telling me some of the wildest stories I’ve ever heard.  A pugnacious Welshman with an accent bordering on cockney, he’s like a working-class James Bond.  He’s fun and I’m wondering  if people are interested in hearing some of these stories.  
Let me know!

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