Archive | December, 2012

The Mayan End of the World – What Time Zone will it Occur in?

20 Dec

This question is taking over my life.  Some people think the end of the world will occur tomorrow due to the incredible tight logic the Mayan Calender–written thousands of years ago–stops.  Never-mind the fact the calender was written on stone with concentric circles and ends because they seem to have run out of room.  The question I have for the doomsday believers are: what time zone does the apocalypse occur in?  I mean, the world exists in different time zones, so, if the world suddenly comes to an end, what time zone will it end on?  My conclusion is that it will be in central time or mountain time because that is where the Mayan Empire existed in.  This means everyone else in, say, ET, world will end at either 1 or 2 AM on the next day.  This presents a logic problem: how can the Mayan’s be accurate if the world ends on a different day for everyone else in the world?  


My Letter to Santa

17 Dec

Dear Santa:

I understand we haven’t had the smoothest relationship over the years.  Please reference my letter from 1985 when I didn’t get the samurai sword I asked for and 1988 when I didn’t find the playboy bunny of the year under the tree.  I trust this year you will rectify these over-sights and obviously, if I actually buy a Christmas tree, don’t forget that it is Christmas day, and stop referring to the winter celebration as a Pagan holiday, you’ll place these things under my tree so I can wake-up to them on this most important Pagan morning…oops…I mean Christmas morning.  
For my list this year, I would like the following things:
1) Not have my designated driver come up to me and say, “Here, you take the keys; I’m too drunk to drive.”
2) Never hear the phrase “Retail Therapy” again
3) Not have my nephews stink up my place when they show up and continue to have my place smell, well, like nothing
4) Continue my streak of never changing a diaper
5) Not hear the following phrases from my day-to-day conversations: “Skull f***, sodomized by a nail gun, worse than a chlamydia test.”
and, most importantly, 
6) Stop believing I am responsible for the Broncos wins and losses so I don’t watch every game in the same place, wearing the same clothes (which I haven’t washed)
Thank you very much for your time.  This year, I promise to turn off the fire-place and not leave out glutton free cookies left un-eaten.  

I want to be on the Jury for a Procedural Crime Drama

11 Dec

I divide my goals into two categories: 1) Big life goals and 2) little life goals.  Big life goals include being a professional writer, owning the Denver Broncos, and being the inventor of something so stupid it’s successful (think around the lines of the pet rock…I might actually pull this one off since I’ve been calling friends for market research…can somebody please call me back on this one).  

The little goals are more fun.  They include 1) having sex in the Lincoln Bedroom 2) understand why people like, watch, and follow wrestling 3) learn how to use a Cuisinart 4) never get another prostate infection, etc.
I have a new addition to the little life goals.  I’m sick right now and watching a lot of procedural crime dramas.  I’ve decided I want to be on the jury on one of these shows.  I don’t want a speaking part.  I just want to sit their looking serious and concerned.  I think I can pull this off.  I also want to be the jury member who falls asleep during the trail in the background.  
Is this a good goal or am I taking too much medication?

Steps to have a Bad Day: An Informative Guide

1 Dec


1) Start new excercise program to repair horrible feet
2) Mistake your 32 year old pudgy, pathetic, unhealthy body for a 21 year-old first round draft pick stud-muffin
3)  Live in a mountain town, not because you like it, but because you are trying to get three huge projects done with limited distractions
4)  Make sure the place you live has tons of stairs.  It’s important to have to walk up or down stairs to get anything
5)  Make sure if anything goes wrong, it happens on a Friday night.  Nobody works in a mountain town after noon on Thursday till noon on Monday unless you are willing to balance your wallet on your nose and stand on one-leg while barking like a trained seal.  You’ll still have to call a half-dozen places to get anything done, but this just makes it more fun
6) Come back to house after starting new fitness program only to have muscle spams on bottoms of both feet two steps up the stairs on a twenty stair journey.  Make sure you sit there  for thirty minutes wondering how much you’d have to pay someone to come rescue you.  Start to crawl up stairs.  To truly get the full benefit of this step, have another muscle spasm in your feet ten steps later.  Doing this twice is excellent preparation for the next steps
7)  Crawl to couch, collapse on it, fall asleep, get sun-burned because you forgot to close the drapes 
8)  Wake up, go to computer, start working on project only to realize at some point two drafts got confused and the entire project doesn’t make sense.  It is 85,000 words and runs over 250 pages
9)  Have another muscle spasm, this time in your back because you are at high-altitude, are dehydrated, and the kitchen is up another flight of stairs, so you don’t get water
10)  Use bathroom a plummer recently had to repair because it is on the same floor you are on.  Remember the stairs and how much pain you are in so you think this was a good idea.  Forget the plummer was stumped for over two hours and frequently made statements such as “The person who built this system was probably Dr. Suess on acid.”  
11)  Put yourself on floor next to bathroom with your legs at a right angle on an ottoman to help back.  Don’t pay attention to the sound of the toilet running because the TV is on
12) Doze off briefly.  It only takes about ten minutes for this step, but falling asleep is important
13)  Wake up to find yourself covered with toilet water and the toilet is still over-flowing
14)  Battle toilet to stop over-flowing while trying to find a plummer who isn’t stoned and can get here late at night.  Remember: your feet and back are still in pain and you are literally covered in your own shit
15)  Realize this is a metaphor for your own project
16)  Share steps with others in hopes you find this funny one day
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