Steps to have a Bad Day: An Informative Guide

1 Dec


1) Start new excercise program to repair horrible feet
2) Mistake your 32 year old pudgy, pathetic, unhealthy body for a 21 year-old first round draft pick stud-muffin
3)  Live in a mountain town, not because you like it, but because you are trying to get three huge projects done with limited distractions
4)  Make sure the place you live has tons of stairs.  It’s important to have to walk up or down stairs to get anything
5)  Make sure if anything goes wrong, it happens on a Friday night.  Nobody works in a mountain town after noon on Thursday till noon on Monday unless you are willing to balance your wallet on your nose and stand on one-leg while barking like a trained seal.  You’ll still have to call a half-dozen places to get anything done, but this just makes it more fun
6) Come back to house after starting new fitness program only to have muscle spams on bottoms of both feet two steps up the stairs on a twenty stair journey.  Make sure you sit there  for thirty minutes wondering how much you’d have to pay someone to come rescue you.  Start to crawl up stairs.  To truly get the full benefit of this step, have another muscle spasm in your feet ten steps later.  Doing this twice is excellent preparation for the next steps
7)  Crawl to couch, collapse on it, fall asleep, get sun-burned because you forgot to close the drapes 
8)  Wake up, go to computer, start working on project only to realize at some point two drafts got confused and the entire project doesn’t make sense.  It is 85,000 words and runs over 250 pages
9)  Have another muscle spasm, this time in your back because you are at high-altitude, are dehydrated, and the kitchen is up another flight of stairs, so you don’t get water
10)  Use bathroom a plummer recently had to repair because it is on the same floor you are on.  Remember the stairs and how much pain you are in so you think this was a good idea.  Forget the plummer was stumped for over two hours and frequently made statements such as “The person who built this system was probably Dr. Suess on acid.”  
11)  Put yourself on floor next to bathroom with your legs at a right angle on an ottoman to help back.  Don’t pay attention to the sound of the toilet running because the TV is on
12) Doze off briefly.  It only takes about ten minutes for this step, but falling asleep is important
13)  Wake up to find yourself covered with toilet water and the toilet is still over-flowing
14)  Battle toilet to stop over-flowing while trying to find a plummer who isn’t stoned and can get here late at night.  Remember: your feet and back are still in pain and you are literally covered in your own shit
15)  Realize this is a metaphor for your own project
16)  Share steps with others in hopes you find this funny one day

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