My Letter to Santa

17 Dec

Dear Santa:

 
I understand we haven’t had the smoothest relationship over the years.  Please reference my letter from 1985 when I didn’t get the samurai sword I asked for and 1988 when I didn’t find the playboy bunny of the year under the tree.  I trust this year you will rectify these over-sights and obviously, if I actually buy a Christmas tree, don’t forget that it is Christmas day, and stop referring to the winter celebration as a Pagan holiday, you’ll place these things under my tree so I can wake-up to them on this most important Pagan morning…oops…I mean Christmas morning.  
 
For my list this year, I would like the following things:
1) Not have my designated driver come up to me and say, “Here, you take the keys; I’m too drunk to drive.”
2) Never hear the phrase “Retail Therapy” again
3) Not have my nephews stink up my place when they show up and continue to have my place smell, well, like nothing
4) Continue my streak of never changing a diaper
5) Not hear the following phrases from my day-to-day conversations: “Skull f***, sodomized by a nail gun, worse than a chlamydia test.”
and, most importantly, 
6) Stop believing I am responsible for the Broncos wins and losses so I don’t watch every game in the same place, wearing the same clothes (which I haven’t washed)
 
Thank you very much for your time.  This year, I promise to turn off the fire-place and not leave out glutton free cookies left un-eaten.  
 
Chris
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