Archive | 4:36 pm

Memo to Geriatric Action Movie Stars: It’s Over

21 Jan
From: CTBelitz

Re: Memo to Geriatric Action Movie Stars: It’s Over

To:  Harrison Ford, Bruce Willis, Arnold, Sly Stallone, George Lukas, etc.
I appreciate much of your work.  During the time when I enjoyed watching movies celebrating mass murderers, you created some of my favorite childhood movies.  The Indiana Jones films (first and third movies), Die Hard, Predator, Demolishing Man (a movie I saw on my 13th birthday), and the Star Wars franchise.
These movies achieved their much deserved success and, I have to admit, I’ll respond like a trained dog whenever I see they are on TV by watching them and drooling the entire time.  I do this even though I own them on DVD, but something about finding them on TV makes it even more special.  Much like finding money on the street, it felt as if the fates had given me a gift and I should enjoy it…even if I have to suffer through commercials.
Its good and I thank you for providing a distraction from my life.
But, I think to keep revisiting these same story lines as you gradually get older has made you look, well, pathetic.  None of these movies would have ever been green-lighted if you were still a young actor trying to make it.  The only reason is because of the success in your previous efforts, not because they are good work.
The question I have been trying to answer is why ruin classic movies with awful sequels.  It does nothing but tarnish your legacy and makes the career making movies that much worse.  I can’t watch the first Star Wars movies without thinking about the prequels.  I can’t watch Indiana Jones movies without thinking about the fourth one.  I can’t watch Die hard without thinking about the other ones.  It has become a form of PTSD and has generally ruined my outlook on them.
Why do you do this?  I have a theory.
You are either A) broke and need the money (the reason Sean Connery made Never Say Never Again) or B) we are watching you go through a collective mid-life crisis where you try to reclaim your earned youthful success.  This is sad and pathetic, though I am sympathetic to your desire.  No one wants to get old and no longer have the world at their finger tips.  A swelling prostate, alimony, and no longer being the center of attention must bother you greatly.  Not being the hottest stud at a celebrity party must grate on you.  This is no reason to run off and make idiotic movies where I wonder how much pain killers you had to take in order to pull off that CGI enhanced stunt on wires.
We all get older.  Rather than humiliating yourself–much in the same manner as how you used to laugh at the old guy in the young bar looking for girls with daddy-issues–I think the best way would be to age gracefully.
I have an examples: Clint Eastwood.  I love him.  He’s gone through his career from violent psychopath to elder movie statesman.  You should emulate his career and move onto the next stage of your career.  And, he’s still hilarious.
I would like for you to carefully consider this suggestion.  You are getting older; embrace it, don’t fight it.  Quite making box office bombs which only serve to undermine your legacy.  Besides, I would love to have the work on my resume and carved on my tombstone which led to your early success.  You provided fun to millions.  I’d take that deal in a heartbeat.
Your’s truly
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