Archive | February, 2013

World: I really wish I didn’t piss so many of you off

21 Feb

Dear All Good People:

 
I have several talents in life I’m not proud of.  Chief among which is my skill in being able to piss people off easily and quickly.  This has a certain blow-back to it.  This means I rarely get encouraging emails back from people regarding my little visited blog, which is what I’m looking for because I’ve lost my self-confidence, but I do get tons of hate email.  
 
The hate email is never about my writing style, whether it was funny or not, but it is more focused on people who have problems with me personally.  This is a long list and their complaints range from how I promptly exited companies, industries, and, most importantly, gave frank character assessments to people who asked for my opinion.  
 
For instance, I found out the Bad Tipper got engaged and I sent an email to give him some kudos because he found a girl to marry despite being the world’s worst tipper and it being it universally assumed he’s gay (I once saw him on a bike ride wearing a pink wig).  I admit, I told him this directly and asked him if he’s gay.  
 
No ill intention.  No angry behind those comments.  I just asked.  
 
He responded with an email saying he doesn’t like to get emails from people with blogs.  Age has made me more mature so I didn’t send him an email back saying I thought he was too wimpy to say he didn’t like me.  
 
It’s been several days and I regret not sending the email saying that.  Once again, my talent in life is causing trouble. 

Signs you’re Middle Aged

12 Feb

-You worry about your fiber intake

-Movies you saw as a child are now considered classics

-You have seen a grand total of one movie in a year

-You don’t remember how old you are

-You find anyone under a certain age to be annoying

-You can’t remember how many people you’ve had sex with

-You see your doctor more than your friends

-It’s easier to have sex than it is to make a friend

-You write this list for fun and have to stop because it is no longer funny

I think the major media outlets should start a softball league

7 Feb

I have an idea that I think A) would be incredible entertaining and B) raise a lot of money for charity.  

Here it is: I think the major news networks and most influential papers should each form their own softball teams and play against each other in a tournament.  Here’s how it would work.  The only people who could play are the major personalities at any given network.  The New York Times team would include such people as Paul Krugman and Maruun Dowd…the team itself would be called the “Greying Ladies” or going “Going Grey Gracefully.” Other teams could be pulled from MSNBC (team name “MSNBCing”), CNN (“Can’t see our pitching at the NN”), Foxnews (“The Foxies”), Wall Street Journal (“Our Street”), the Washington Journal (“The Washers of Journals”), etc.
 
These games will be played on PPV and the winning team chooses which charity will get the money.  Fox would automatically choose Wounded Warrior Project while MSNBC would probably select a National Gay and Lesbian Association.  It would be things like that.  To make matters more interesting, each team can bring in ringers to help out each game.  All of these networks have ex-jocks at affiliate networks, but, at each game, the cost of bringing in ringers raises for everyone each time it is done.  So, if a ringer costs $200k for the first time, it will cost everyone $400k the next time.  And, a ringer can only be used once; so, the ex-baseball jocks at Fox Sports could only be used once at an increasing cost during the season.  Strategy is involved in this and it would be a lot of fun to think they’d probably hire ex-managers to manage their games.  
 
I also think there should be two leagues.  The first one will be just for the girls.  This way the winning network can have bragging rights and be able to say, “The chicks at CNN are tougher than the chicks at MSNBC!”  The next league would be co-ed.  Who wouldn’t want to see Rachel Maddow and Bill O’Reilly go at it on the field?  I mean, would they slide into base with their cleats up just to injure each other?  What about Brett Beir versus Chris Matthews?  We could actually have a bench clear fist fight between Fox and MSNBC!  Who wouldn’t want to see that?
 
I also think it would be awesome to see Rupert Murdock and Ted Turner giving each other the stink eye in the owners box.  Or, they could be the managers!  The game would get out of hand quickly and here’s why it would be fun.  All of these people are incredible competitive and having their boss their looking over their shoulders who, despite not wanting to admit it, really want to win.  
 
My favorite part of the idea is you could easily expand this into other leagues.  We could have flag-football, kick-ball, and even sub-leagues.  The sub-leagues would be the business nerds competing against each other.  The entertainment specialists would play against each other.  
 
I think this is a great idea.  We could call the league and system “The only Media that Matters.”
 
Who’s with me?
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