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I wish my name was Kentucky Derby Horse

4 May

Every year, I watch the Kentucky Derby.  I like horses, I like riding them, and, if I ever have the means, I’m going to ride them as a hobby.  But, my favorite part about the Kentucky Derby is, not just the hats of the ladies, but the names of the horses.  

I mean, who wouldn’t want to be named Golden Soul, Normandy Invasion, Overanalyze, Palace Malice, Charming Kitten, Falling Sky, or Lines of Battle? 
So, I’m proposing a new game.  Remember how everyone in high school came up with the name you would have in porn (combining the street you grew up on as your last name and your childhood dog’s name as your first name; mines is Waggs Jamison), I think everyone should select the name of a Kentucky Derby horse as their derby name.
My Kentucky Derby Name is Overanalyze.  What one is yours? 
Check out to find the names of the horses.  

If a robo-car gets into an accident, who is responsible?

18 Mar

This question is taking over my life and I need to get it off my chest.

I’ve been following robo-cars for years and I’m very excited at their development.  It would be like having your own chauffer drive you around, except you don’t have to pay a salary, health insurance, or worry if he’s been drinking (robo-cars will also revolutionize the world of hard-core partying and drinking: who needs a designated when a car drives itself?  This better than a horse taking you home because you can get air conditioning!).  
But, I have a question.  When two robo-cars get into a car accident, who will be held liable?  Will it be the car company, the designer of the software, or will it be written off as the price of having one of these things?  I have no idea.
Another unintended consequence is, if a cop pulls a robo-car over, who gets the ticket?
I think I have too much time on my hands, but does anybody have any solutions to this? 

Memo to World: Why does reality suck so much my pragmatic charity ideas can’t work?

13 Mar

To: World

From: Chris
Re: Why does reality suck so much my pragmatic charity ideas can’t work?
I have been working on several charity ideas for a few years.  I want to start a charity, I want it to succeed, I want to help people.  My ideas have run from impractically stupid to…well…stupid.  Of the stupid ideas, these are the two best ones:
1) The idea to bet on a scandal outcome.  Originally, it would function a lot like a game of Clue: such as, I will take Bill Clinton, in the Lincoln Bedroom, with an intern.  It later evolved to simple betting on what actually happened.  Did he/she actually sleep with this person?  I thought it would involve something like a smartphone App so you could bet $5 that someone did something to earn bragging rights with your friends.  Imagine the number of bar arguments this could profit over.  The money would be funneled to good charities not run by insane morons (i.e. not run by me), such as Doctors without Borders.  
Problem: I can’t do it.  Look at what happened to  It was completely shut down because you can’t bet on certain things without lawful compliance from dozens of countries.
2)  A training program for teachers to help identify mentally ill children so they can get help…both the teachers and the children (I think babysitting 30 ten year-olds 9 months a year would drive anyone crazy).  It’s a simple idea: recruit psychologists to give power point presentations to teachers outlining early signs of children developing bipolar disorder, depression, etc.  The power point would also, most importantly, give tips on how to handle people with these disorders (the problem with crazy people is that, if you don’t know how to handle them, they drive everyone around them crazy).  
Problem: The rules and regulations guiding teachers are so strict it would make this process borderline impossible.  Not to mention, after researching how parents react, teachers have a powerful incentive not to confront parents that their children might be insane.  For the record, I now have new respect for teachers after researching this and reading horror stories about dealing with parents and kids.  Before I did this, I viewed teachers as state sponsored baby-sitters mooching off the government to practice an easy job.  Now, I view them as professional managers of children and, either, non-existent parents or helicopter parents.  It looks like a crappy job.   
My question is how can we live in world where simple things are impossible?  I mean, do we design institutions to make little things impossible to do, or is it just me?

I think Congress should all live in the same college dormitory

1 Mar

I recently read that freshman Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) purchased a $750k condo in DC.  As I was thinking about this, I got an idea that would help improve the relationships between the waring factions and perhaps raise the level of discourse–by which I mean comedy–in our nation’s capital.  

I think Congressman and Senators would all have to live in the same dormitory together.  And, much like how college dorms were Co-Ed, each hall would have to have an equal number of Democrats and Republicans.  Think about it: not only would living and working in close quarters make them either like each other  more or it could led to fist-fits.  We could also have mandatory events, such as morning Yoga, Committee leaders could have pot-luck day, and who wouldn’t want to see the Senators and Congressman go on a midnight raid to go steal another halls best power suits.  
We could even turn this into a reality TV show!  It could be called the “Real Spouses of our Elected Leaders!” We could see tension and screaming among them, their spouses, and who is cheating on with whatever other housewife or intern.  
Cool idea, huh?

World: I really wish I didn’t piss so many of you off

21 Feb

Dear All Good People:

I have several talents in life I’m not proud of.  Chief among which is my skill in being able to piss people off easily and quickly.  This has a certain blow-back to it.  This means I rarely get encouraging emails back from people regarding my little visited blog, which is what I’m looking for because I’ve lost my self-confidence, but I do get tons of hate email.  
The hate email is never about my writing style, whether it was funny or not, but it is more focused on people who have problems with me personally.  This is a long list and their complaints range from how I promptly exited companies, industries, and, most importantly, gave frank character assessments to people who asked for my opinion.  
For instance, I found out the Bad Tipper got engaged and I sent an email to give him some kudos because he found a girl to marry despite being the world’s worst tipper and it being it universally assumed he’s gay (I once saw him on a bike ride wearing a pink wig).  I admit, I told him this directly and asked him if he’s gay.  
No ill intention.  No angry behind those comments.  I just asked.  
He responded with an email saying he doesn’t like to get emails from people with blogs.  Age has made me more mature so I didn’t send him an email back saying I thought he was too wimpy to say he didn’t like me.  
It’s been several days and I regret not sending the email saying that.  Once again, my talent in life is causing trouble. 

Signs you’re Middle Aged

12 Feb

-You worry about your fiber intake

-Movies you saw as a child are now considered classics

-You have seen a grand total of one movie in a year

-You don’t remember how old you are

-You find anyone under a certain age to be annoying

-You can’t remember how many people you’ve had sex with

-You see your doctor more than your friends

-It’s easier to have sex than it is to make a friend

-You write this list for fun and have to stop because it is no longer funny

I think the major media outlets should start a softball league

7 Feb

I have an idea that I think A) would be incredible entertaining and B) raise a lot of money for charity.  

Here it is: I think the major news networks and most influential papers should each form their own softball teams and play against each other in a tournament.  Here’s how it would work.  The only people who could play are the major personalities at any given network.  The New York Times team would include such people as Paul Krugman and Maruun Dowd…the team itself would be called the “Greying Ladies” or going “Going Grey Gracefully.” Other teams could be pulled from MSNBC (team name “MSNBCing”), CNN (“Can’t see our pitching at the NN”), Foxnews (“The Foxies”), Wall Street Journal (“Our Street”), the Washington Journal (“The Washers of Journals”), etc.
These games will be played on PPV and the winning team chooses which charity will get the money.  Fox would automatically choose Wounded Warrior Project while MSNBC would probably select a National Gay and Lesbian Association.  It would be things like that.  To make matters more interesting, each team can bring in ringers to help out each game.  All of these networks have ex-jocks at affiliate networks, but, at each game, the cost of bringing in ringers raises for everyone each time it is done.  So, if a ringer costs $200k for the first time, it will cost everyone $400k the next time.  And, a ringer can only be used once; so, the ex-baseball jocks at Fox Sports could only be used once at an increasing cost during the season.  Strategy is involved in this and it would be a lot of fun to think they’d probably hire ex-managers to manage their games.  
I also think there should be two leagues.  The first one will be just for the girls.  This way the winning network can have bragging rights and be able to say, “The chicks at CNN are tougher than the chicks at MSNBC!”  The next league would be co-ed.  Who wouldn’t want to see Rachel Maddow and Bill O’Reilly go at it on the field?  I mean, would they slide into base with their cleats up just to injure each other?  What about Brett Beir versus Chris Matthews?  We could actually have a bench clear fist fight between Fox and MSNBC!  Who wouldn’t want to see that?
I also think it would be awesome to see Rupert Murdock and Ted Turner giving each other the stink eye in the owners box.  Or, they could be the managers!  The game would get out of hand quickly and here’s why it would be fun.  All of these people are incredible competitive and having their boss their looking over their shoulders who, despite not wanting to admit it, really want to win.  
My favorite part of the idea is you could easily expand this into other leagues.  We could have flag-football, kick-ball, and even sub-leagues.  The sub-leagues would be the business nerds competing against each other.  The entertainment specialists would play against each other.  
I think this is a great idea.  We could call the league and system “The only Media that Matters.”
Who’s with me?
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