Tag Archives: life

Memo to World: Things I’m not good at

8 Jan
Things I’m not good at: 
Parallel parking, physics, foreign languages, trigonometry, and understanding why people follow the WWF.  I can’t cook bacon, prepare a meal other than spaghetti, and giving up TV for more than 24 hours.  I’m bad at spelling, remembering names, making new friends, and being popular with parents.  I’m not good at developing abs you could grate cheese on, taking orders, or shopping. I suck at taking vacations, traveling, or responding well to any change in my routine.  I’m really bad at digesting most food, cleaning, and remember to do my laundry.  I’m missing the part of my brain which understands why people go to church, believe in G-d, or why people gamble.  
Things I’m good at:
Finding new and interesting ways to publicly embarrass myself given the limited amount of time I spend among people…such as, I don’t know…walking to the bank in pants which don’t fit, forget to put a belt on, catch the pant leg on my boots, and my pants get pulled off in front a bus full of tourists from Australia parked in front of a gas station who started to scream “Hey, Mate!”  I decided to file this memory under the “I’m here to help department.”

How I got out of seeing the Vagina Monologues

22 Jun

This is how I got out of seeing the Vagina Monologues:

Former girlfriend: “I want to see the Vagina Monologues with you.”

I remembered reading about it and thought I would be the person killed if the women riot against men afterwards.  I decided to do the following.

Me: “Well, well, well…get me my top hat and cane, and call the carriage: I am going to the theater!”  

Ex Gf: “What?  This isn’t something you’d want to normally do?  It involves people and leaving your house…”  

Me: “Well, I love ventriloquism!”  

The rest of the conversation didn’t go well.  

Further Bulletins as Events Warrant


Signs you are Middle-Aged

21 Jun
Signs you are middle-aged:
-You get excited when your medicine comes in the mail
-You’ve pulled a hamstring having sex
-You’ve had a lengthy conversation with a friend about nose hair trimmers
-You get hit on by an annoying young girl with daddy-issues who says “You look just like my father” at a Banana Republic
-You turn to a random radio station and rock out to a bunch of songs you haven’t heard since high school; you later realize it is the oldies station
-You have an adult conversation with a young cousin and say “Where were you when that happened?” only to realize they weren’t alive when it happened
-You were a first hand witness to events now described in high school history books
-You think to yourself you’d be a kick-ass step-dad
-You sometimes think sex seems like too much work
-You get grouchy if you are kept up too late at night
-You write this list in under five minutes and stop because you no longer find it funny
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant

An Unsent Email

12 Jun
I’m going through my records right now and I ran across this unsent email.  The context surrounding the email is when I was working for a small company where everybody was a key employee and my direct reports had a series of personal-life disasters over the course of three days.  You can infer what happened from the rules.
I have decided to start enforcing new rules in the office.
If the entire office refers to your significant other as the “Ruthless Psychopath,” I will pay for a restraining order, a hit man, a psychologist, a shaman, or whatever else it takes to get this person out of your life; just make sure they don’t show up at the office and threaten anybody.
The only motorcycle you are allowed on is the one you accidentally run over over with your big-ass, fuel inefficient SUV with tons of air bags.
You can drink only if you are sitting in a big comfy chair at your house while you wear a helmet.  
The only sexual positions you are allowed to engage is the missionary position.  If you want to do something different, get a spotter.  The pervert in the mail room will be glad to help.
All hobbies must now be approved by me.  Because you are going through a mid-life crisis is no reason to take up racing cars.  
Everybody will read the labels on their medication: you don’t want to confuse heart meds with ED drugs. 
The only phone numbers you are allowed to dial after 11PM is “911” and a suicide hotline.  I am neither.
There will be no storage of your favorite pornography on the company server.  
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant
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