Tag Archives: satire

If a robo-car gets into an accident, who is responsible?

18 Mar

This question is taking over my life and I need to get it off my chest.

I’ve been following robo-cars for years and I’m very excited at their development.  It would be like having your own chauffer drive you around, except you don’t have to pay a salary, health insurance, or worry if he’s been drinking (robo-cars will also revolutionize the world of hard-core partying and drinking: who needs a designated when a car drives itself?  This better than a horse taking you home because you can get air conditioning!).  
But, I have a question.  When two robo-cars get into a car accident, who will be held liable?  Will it be the car company, the designer of the software, or will it be written off as the price of having one of these things?  I have no idea.
Another unintended consequence is, if a cop pulls a robo-car over, who gets the ticket?
I think I have too much time on my hands, but does anybody have any solutions to this? 

I think Congress should all live in the same college dormitory

1 Mar

I recently read that freshman Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) purchased a $750k condo in DC.  As I was thinking about this, I got an idea that would help improve the relationships between the waring factions and perhaps raise the level of discourse–by which I mean comedy–in our nation’s capital.  

I think Congressman and Senators would all have to live in the same dormitory together.  And, much like how college dorms were Co-Ed, each hall would have to have an equal number of Democrats and Republicans.  Think about it: not only would living and working in close quarters make them either like each other  more or it could led to fist-fits.  We could also have mandatory events, such as morning Yoga, Committee leaders could have pot-luck day, and who wouldn’t want to see the Senators and Congressman go on a midnight raid to go steal another halls best power suits.  
We could even turn this into a reality TV show!  It could be called the “Real Spouses of our Elected Leaders!” We could see tension and screaming among them, their spouses, and who is cheating on with whatever other housewife or intern.  
Cool idea, huh?

Signs you’re Middle Aged

12 Feb

-You worry about your fiber intake

-Movies you saw as a child are now considered classics

-You have seen a grand total of one movie in a year

-You don’t remember how old you are

-You find anyone under a certain age to be annoying

-You can’t remember how many people you’ve had sex with

-You see your doctor more than your friends

-It’s easier to have sex than it is to make a friend

-You write this list for fun and have to stop because it is no longer funny

I think the major media outlets should start a softball league

7 Feb

I have an idea that I think A) would be incredible entertaining and B) raise a lot of money for charity.  

Here it is: I think the major news networks and most influential papers should each form their own softball teams and play against each other in a tournament.  Here’s how it would work.  The only people who could play are the major personalities at any given network.  The New York Times team would include such people as Paul Krugman and Maruun Dowd…the team itself would be called the “Greying Ladies” or going “Going Grey Gracefully.” Other teams could be pulled from MSNBC (team name “MSNBCing”), CNN (“Can’t see our pitching at the NN”), Foxnews (“The Foxies”), Wall Street Journal (“Our Street”), the Washington Journal (“The Washers of Journals”), etc.
These games will be played on PPV and the winning team chooses which charity will get the money.  Fox would automatically choose Wounded Warrior Project while MSNBC would probably select a National Gay and Lesbian Association.  It would be things like that.  To make matters more interesting, each team can bring in ringers to help out each game.  All of these networks have ex-jocks at affiliate networks, but, at each game, the cost of bringing in ringers raises for everyone each time it is done.  So, if a ringer costs $200k for the first time, it will cost everyone $400k the next time.  And, a ringer can only be used once; so, the ex-baseball jocks at Fox Sports could only be used once at an increasing cost during the season.  Strategy is involved in this and it would be a lot of fun to think they’d probably hire ex-managers to manage their games.  
I also think there should be two leagues.  The first one will be just for the girls.  This way the winning network can have bragging rights and be able to say, “The chicks at CNN are tougher than the chicks at MSNBC!”  The next league would be co-ed.  Who wouldn’t want to see Rachel Maddow and Bill O’Reilly go at it on the field?  I mean, would they slide into base with their cleats up just to injure each other?  What about Brett Beir versus Chris Matthews?  We could actually have a bench clear fist fight between Fox and MSNBC!  Who wouldn’t want to see that?
I also think it would be awesome to see Rupert Murdock and Ted Turner giving each other the stink eye in the owners box.  Or, they could be the managers!  The game would get out of hand quickly and here’s why it would be fun.  All of these people are incredible competitive and having their boss their looking over their shoulders who, despite not wanting to admit it, really want to win.  
My favorite part of the idea is you could easily expand this into other leagues.  We could have flag-football, kick-ball, and even sub-leagues.  The sub-leagues would be the business nerds competing against each other.  The entertainment specialists would play against each other.  
I think this is a great idea.  We could call the league and system “The only Media that Matters.”
Who’s with me?

My Letter to Santa

17 Dec

Dear Santa:

I understand we haven’t had the smoothest relationship over the years.  Please reference my letter from 1985 when I didn’t get the samurai sword I asked for and 1988 when I didn’t find the playboy bunny of the year under the tree.  I trust this year you will rectify these over-sights and obviously, if I actually buy a Christmas tree, don’t forget that it is Christmas day, and stop referring to the winter celebration as a Pagan holiday, you’ll place these things under my tree so I can wake-up to them on this most important Pagan morning…oops…I mean Christmas morning.  
For my list this year, I would like the following things:
1) Not have my designated driver come up to me and say, “Here, you take the keys; I’m too drunk to drive.”
2) Never hear the phrase “Retail Therapy” again
3) Not have my nephews stink up my place when they show up and continue to have my place smell, well, like nothing
4) Continue my streak of never changing a diaper
5) Not hear the following phrases from my day-to-day conversations: “Skull f***, sodomized by a nail gun, worse than a chlamydia test.”
and, most importantly, 
6) Stop believing I am responsible for the Broncos wins and losses so I don’t watch every game in the same place, wearing the same clothes (which I haven’t washed)
Thank you very much for your time.  This year, I promise to turn off the fire-place and not leave out glutton free cookies left un-eaten.  

I want to be on the Jury for a Procedural Crime Drama

11 Dec

I divide my goals into two categories: 1) Big life goals and 2) little life goals.  Big life goals include being a professional writer, owning the Denver Broncos, and being the inventor of something so stupid it’s successful (think around the lines of the pet rock…I might actually pull this one off since I’ve been calling friends for market research…can somebody please call me back on this one).  

The little goals are more fun.  They include 1) having sex in the Lincoln Bedroom 2) understand why people like, watch, and follow wrestling 3) learn how to use a Cuisinart 4) never get another prostate infection, etc.
I have a new addition to the little life goals.  I’m sick right now and watching a lot of procedural crime dramas.  I’ve decided I want to be on the jury on one of these shows.  I don’t want a speaking part.  I just want to sit their looking serious and concerned.  I think I can pull this off.  I also want to be the jury member who falls asleep during the trail in the background.  
Is this a good goal or am I taking too much medication?

Recipe for Road Trip Disaster

20 Nov


-2 parts bad directions
-1 part ulcerative colitis 
-1 part city you hate on principal and never want to go again, we’ll call it Mas Begas
-2 parts greasy spoon food
-1 part dead cell phone battery
To achieve Road Trip Disaster 
-Eat at greasy spoon before finishing the last leg of your journey
-Make sure your cell phone’s battery is dead so you can’t use its map features to help you
-Get faulty directions because they don’t take into account of construction projects
-Have a big truck block your exit 
-Take next exit
-Discover the entry way to turn around has been blocked due to construction
-End up on Mas Begas’ most famous street, called “The Rip”
Any great recipe needs an element of luck which any chef is capable of
-Get stuck in traffic jam
-Sit in traffic jam for three hours
-Feel your ulcerative colitis; remember your greasy spoon meal
You may feel the need to not add a greasy spoon meal, but it is an essential ingredient.  This is a daring recipe.  
-Begin to wonder where you will go to bathroom
-Hold as long as possible until it is starting to boil
There are several variations to what you consider doing next
        A)Jump out of car and sprint to nearest restroom
            i) Consider how much it will cost to get your car back after it has been towed
            ii) Hire street walker to sit in the car so you can get it back 
If you consider either of these options, remember to carefully consider what items you don’t want to lose and grab them
        B)  Drive on sidewalk and find nearest restroom
For (B), it is important to remember you are relying on luck the judge you get has a sense of humor and irritable bowel syndrome 
        C) Drive into the most expensive valet parking on The Rip with the express purpose of sprinting into the nearest restroom
(D) is the preferred method and potentially very expensive, but any good recipe is made or breaked on the ingredients: the most expensive ingredients produce the best methods
-What ever option you choose, it is important to let recipe simmer until you can find this funny
-Share recipe with friends   
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