Tag Archives: silly

I wish my name was Kentucky Derby Horse

4 May

Every year, I watch the Kentucky Derby.  I like horses, I like riding them, and, if I ever have the means, I’m going to ride them as a hobby.  But, my favorite part about the Kentucky Derby is, not just the hats of the ladies, but the names of the horses.  

 
I mean, who wouldn’t want to be named Golden Soul, Normandy Invasion, Overanalyze, Palace Malice, Charming Kitten, Falling Sky, or Lines of Battle? 
 
So, I’m proposing a new game.  Remember how everyone in high school came up with the name you would have in porn (combining the street you grew up on as your last name and your childhood dog’s name as your first name; mines is Waggs Jamison), I think everyone should select the name of a Kentucky Derby horse as their derby name.
 
My Kentucky Derby Name is Overanalyze.  What one is yours? 
 
Check out http://www.kentuckyderby.com/horses to find the names of the horses.  

I think Congress should all live in the same college dormitory

1 Mar

I recently read that freshman Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) purchased a $750k condo in DC.  As I was thinking about this, I got an idea that would help improve the relationships between the waring factions and perhaps raise the level of discourse–by which I mean comedy–in our nation’s capital.  

I think Congressman and Senators would all have to live in the same dormitory together.  And, much like how college dorms were Co-Ed, each hall would have to have an equal number of Democrats and Republicans.  Think about it: not only would living and working in close quarters make them either like each other  more or it could led to fist-fits.  We could also have mandatory events, such as morning Yoga, Committee leaders could have pot-luck day, and who wouldn’t want to see the Senators and Congressman go on a midnight raid to go steal another halls best power suits.  
 
We could even turn this into a reality TV show!  It could be called the “Real Spouses of our Elected Leaders!” We could see tension and screaming among them, their spouses, and who is cheating on with whatever other housewife or intern.  
 
Cool idea, huh?
 
C

World: I really wish I didn’t piss so many of you off

21 Feb

Dear All Good People:

 
I have several talents in life I’m not proud of.  Chief among which is my skill in being able to piss people off easily and quickly.  This has a certain blow-back to it.  This means I rarely get encouraging emails back from people regarding my little visited blog, which is what I’m looking for because I’ve lost my self-confidence, but I do get tons of hate email.  
 
The hate email is never about my writing style, whether it was funny or not, but it is more focused on people who have problems with me personally.  This is a long list and their complaints range from how I promptly exited companies, industries, and, most importantly, gave frank character assessments to people who asked for my opinion.  
 
For instance, I found out the Bad Tipper got engaged and I sent an email to give him some kudos because he found a girl to marry despite being the world’s worst tipper and it being it universally assumed he’s gay (I once saw him on a bike ride wearing a pink wig).  I admit, I told him this directly and asked him if he’s gay.  
 
No ill intention.  No angry behind those comments.  I just asked.  
 
He responded with an email saying he doesn’t like to get emails from people with blogs.  Age has made me more mature so I didn’t send him an email back saying I thought he was too wimpy to say he didn’t like me.  
 
It’s been several days and I regret not sending the email saying that.  Once again, my talent in life is causing trouble. 

I think the major media outlets should start a softball league

7 Feb

I have an idea that I think A) would be incredible entertaining and B) raise a lot of money for charity.  

Here it is: I think the major news networks and most influential papers should each form their own softball teams and play against each other in a tournament.  Here’s how it would work.  The only people who could play are the major personalities at any given network.  The New York Times team would include such people as Paul Krugman and Maruun Dowd…the team itself would be called the “Greying Ladies” or going “Going Grey Gracefully.” Other teams could be pulled from MSNBC (team name “MSNBCing”), CNN (“Can’t see our pitching at the NN”), Foxnews (“The Foxies”), Wall Street Journal (“Our Street”), the Washington Journal (“The Washers of Journals”), etc.
 
These games will be played on PPV and the winning team chooses which charity will get the money.  Fox would automatically choose Wounded Warrior Project while MSNBC would probably select a National Gay and Lesbian Association.  It would be things like that.  To make matters more interesting, each team can bring in ringers to help out each game.  All of these networks have ex-jocks at affiliate networks, but, at each game, the cost of bringing in ringers raises for everyone each time it is done.  So, if a ringer costs $200k for the first time, it will cost everyone $400k the next time.  And, a ringer can only be used once; so, the ex-baseball jocks at Fox Sports could only be used once at an increasing cost during the season.  Strategy is involved in this and it would be a lot of fun to think they’d probably hire ex-managers to manage their games.  
 
I also think there should be two leagues.  The first one will be just for the girls.  This way the winning network can have bragging rights and be able to say, “The chicks at CNN are tougher than the chicks at MSNBC!”  The next league would be co-ed.  Who wouldn’t want to see Rachel Maddow and Bill O’Reilly go at it on the field?  I mean, would they slide into base with their cleats up just to injure each other?  What about Brett Beir versus Chris Matthews?  We could actually have a bench clear fist fight between Fox and MSNBC!  Who wouldn’t want to see that?
 
I also think it would be awesome to see Rupert Murdock and Ted Turner giving each other the stink eye in the owners box.  Or, they could be the managers!  The game would get out of hand quickly and here’s why it would be fun.  All of these people are incredible competitive and having their boss their looking over their shoulders who, despite not wanting to admit it, really want to win.  
 
My favorite part of the idea is you could easily expand this into other leagues.  We could have flag-football, kick-ball, and even sub-leagues.  The sub-leagues would be the business nerds competing against each other.  The entertainment specialists would play against each other.  
 
I think this is a great idea.  We could call the league and system “The only Media that Matters.”
 
Who’s with me?

Benefiting from self-told lies

17 Jan

I think the ability to lie to yourself is underrated.  We live in a miserable world surrounded by injustice, incompetence, and family members.  So, the ability to delude yourself into seeing the world with rose covered glasses is key to any sort of happiness.  The problem with this is that you can’t see too much of the world as lies.  The consequences of this are you don’t see problems coming, such as a daughter getting pregnant, marrying the wrong person, and believing your favorite sports team–I don’t know, named, say, the Broncos–will make it to the Super Bowl when you have a once in a lifetime opportunity to actually attend the game for free (including airfare on a private jet and hotel room) and thinking this will actually happen will inevitable led to you trying to drown yourself in the shower after they lose the longest and most emotionally draining game you will ever see.  This is a hypothetical; don’t read too much into it.  

 
The previous examples prove there must be a balancing act between seeing the world as a wonderful place and not progressing into what people could nicely describe as “idiotic,” “insane,” and “he made a $*%&$# fool of himself” behavior.  For instance, you’ll see your child as a potential winner rather than as a lead paint licking, snot nosed jerk so you don’t drop them off in front of orphanage after handing them $50.  You’ll think your career is getting ready to take off rather than the fact you are in a dead-end job (also called Human Resources) so you keep showing up every day.  You don’t notice your significant other, while sweet and caring, is obnoxious and stupid with a tendency to irritate every one else in your life so you can continue to love them.  You show up to church, synagogue, mosque, whatever, but you don’t become so desperate for meaning you join a religious cult that, while stating you should love and accept everyone on the planet, it is okay to kill anyone who doesn’t agree with you.  You take care of yourself through nutrition and exercise, but you don’t start believing your life’s fate is determined by these actions and actually start blaming people for their life’s problems if they don’t do this and that you can repair a lesion on the brain with a hamstring stretch.  Basically, you need to be able to limit the amount of being able to lie to yourself so you don’t become an asshole no one likes.
 
So, a balancing act needed.  The question now becomes how to tell when you’ve gone over the deep end moving from optimism to stupidity.  I have a theory on this that can be tested with a very simple observation.  We will call it the “Blank Stare” test (“the BS test”).  It works like this. If, at any point in your life, after explaining what you are doing and what is going on, people stare at you with a blank stare, you have crossed the line from optimism to stupidity.  
 
Examples of crossing the line include the following:
1) When you tell someone just because a significant other has cheated on you in the past and has cheated on everyone they have ever dated and they stare out you, you have crossed the line
2)  When you tell someone you could have been a professional athlete, but couldn’t do it because you got married, injured, or whatever, but your child can make it even though he/she has had three reconstructive knee surgeries and the odds are roughly 1 in 130,000 of this, you have crossed the line
and, I don’t know 
3) Believe you can actually learn to cook and become good at it even though you set a grease fire in three days in a row
 
Number three is what I need to pay attention to.  I mean, when I’m removing the batteries to the fire detector before I start to cook something, this should have been a heads-up I’m about to do something stupid.  The next red flag move is that I pull out the fire extinguisher before I start to cook anything (I set fire to the stove boiling spaghetti the other day).  The final red flag is that I was begging–and I mean begging–the food not to do anything I didn’t want it to do.  When you are saying, “Please work” to anything, it is a prayer of the desperate and should signal you are in a bad situation and, if you can control it, you shouldn’t do it.  
 
Despite knowing all of this, I’m still wondering what happened to all the hair on my right arm.  When I burn down the house and start the wild fire that destroys Vail valley, you’ll know what happened.    
 
For the good of humanity, I’m going to just purchase pre-made food for the rest of my life.  
 
Further Bulletins as Events Warrant
 

Memo to World: Things I’m not good at

8 Jan
Things I’m not good at: 
Parallel parking, physics, foreign languages, trigonometry, and understanding why people follow the WWF.  I can’t cook bacon, prepare a meal other than spaghetti, and giving up TV for more than 24 hours.  I’m bad at spelling, remembering names, making new friends, and being popular with parents.  I’m not good at developing abs you could grate cheese on, taking orders, or shopping. I suck at taking vacations, traveling, or responding well to any change in my routine.  I’m really bad at digesting most food, cleaning, and remember to do my laundry.  I’m missing the part of my brain which understands why people go to church, believe in G-d, or why people gamble.  
 
Things I’m good at:
Finding new and interesting ways to publicly embarrass myself given the limited amount of time I spend among people…such as, I don’t know…walking to the bank in pants which don’t fit, forget to put a belt on, catch the pant leg on my boots, and my pants get pulled off in front a bus full of tourists from Australia parked in front of a gas station who started to scream “Hey, Mate!”  I decided to file this memory under the “I’m here to help department.”

The Mayan End of the World – What Time Zone will it Occur in?

20 Dec

This question is taking over my life.  Some people think the end of the world will occur tomorrow due to the incredible tight logic the Mayan Calender–written thousands of years ago–stops.  Never-mind the fact the calender was written on stone with concentric circles and ends because they seem to have run out of room.  The question I have for the doomsday believers are: what time zone does the apocalypse occur in?  I mean, the world exists in different time zones, so, if the world suddenly comes to an end, what time zone will it end on?  My conclusion is that it will be in central time or mountain time because that is where the Mayan Empire existed in.  This means everyone else in, say, ET, world will end at either 1 or 2 AM on the next day.  This presents a logic problem: how can the Mayan’s be accurate if the world ends on a different day for everyone else in the world?  

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